11 8 / 2014

Yesterday i overheard a guy who looked really upset tell someone over the phone, “She keeps snapchatting all these random dudes.” He was shaking his head. He looked so distraught.

"i’m insecure that a girl i’m seeing is sending single-view photos and videos to several other men" is what he was saying. "She is mass-distributing temporary content to other suitors," he basically lamented.

We live in the weirdest future.

And flirting in the future now involves sending very fleeting messages. They self-destruct, like Mission Impossible assignments, only the mission is flirting. “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to totally like this cute selfie i just sent you ;-)

The photo’s recipients don’t know who else got them, too. Like who else got that leggy photo of you in the dark? Just one person, or “all these random dudes” too? They don’t know. They’ll never know. Because it’s the future and everything is worse-defined than ever before. Like yeah you’re Facebook friends but are you real friends? Was that a real date or just a hangout? Why doesn’t anyone respond to my texts? i know you got the fucking text, debra. turn read receipts off if you didn’t want me to know, for fuck’s sake

01 8 / 2014

trinandtonic:

new CAH guy Henry is a BAD INFLUENCE

oh hey btw I work at Cards Against Humanity now

trinandtonic:

new CAH guy Henry is a BAD INFLUENCE

oh hey btw I work at Cards Against Humanity now

22 7 / 2014

More weather.com clickbait rewrites because it’s a lovely day and I guess I really wanted to use the phrase “slutty bridges lookin’ to fuck.”

19 7 / 2014

The comments section for any sponsored post on Facebook is basically an open mic. Have fun with it.

(Source: facebook.com)

17 7 / 2014

hello, my little ravioli dippers. i am still a bad person

hello, my little ravioli dippers. i am still a bad person

(Source: facebook.com)

17 7 / 2014

In February of last year I went with my then-girlfriend Amy to the Hotel del Coronado, an ocean resort near San Diego. It’s a lovely place, complete with sandy beaches, nice restaurants, and constant reminders that it’s where the Marilyn Monroe classic Some Like It Hot was filmed.
My first night there I ate some bad crudités at the bar and within hours I was showing symptoms of food poisoning. At breakfast the next morning - a special breakfast for all the guests of people there for the conference my girlfriend was attending - I made polite conversation with the other guests, who were mostly sweet older women there with their affluent lawyer husbands. Midway through a staff member’s breakfast lecture about The Hotel’s Storied History (Did you know they filmed Some Like It Hot there?) I excused myself to projectile vomit all over a locked door that should’ve been unlocked, that should’ve let me into the men’s room where I could projectile vomit privately, with as much dignity as one can have while shooting vomit out of their face like some kind of nightmarish sci-fi vomit cannon.
I spent the next two days in my hotel room, embarrassed, the sound of the tide gently lapping the beach taunting me through windows I’d opened partially to hear the calming ocean breeze, partially to air out my vomity, vomity room. The hotel staff apologized but never seemed to own up to the fact that it was their cauliflower and their veggie dip that reduced me to a pile of lethargy and barf. They dry cleaned the clothes I was wearing when I vomited all over that wretched door, they delivered me some chicken noodle soup and saltine crackers which I ultimately failed to keep down, they called to say they’re sorry I wasn’t feeling well, especially at the Hotel Del Coronado, the Beachfront Hotel Where They Filmed Some Like It Hot, and Golly, Marilyn Monroe Sure Was a Beauty, Wasn’t She? Sorry About All the Vomiting, Though.
So this morning Amy, with whom I am still on good terms, forwarded me an email she received from the Hotel del Coronado, an email saying:

We’d Like to Welcome You Back
Your conference stay was just the beginning of experiencing the historic Hotel del Coronado. We’d like to welcome you back for a relaxing stay on beautiful Coronado Island.

And all she added to the forwarded email was a little winking emoticon, as if to say “isn’t it funny how this promotional email is failing to mention how much you threw up that one time?”
So I cracked open Chrome’s Inspect Element and did what I always do when something needs new words. And you know what? Now I feel a little less bitter about the whole thing. Let bygones by bygoooooRRRRRFFFFF (vomits on pants) noooo you’ve done it again, Hotel Del Coronado!!!!!

In February of last year I went with my then-girlfriend Amy to the Hotel del Coronado, an ocean resort near San Diego. It’s a lovely place, complete with sandy beaches, nice restaurants, and constant reminders that it’s where the Marilyn Monroe classic Some Like It Hot was filmed.

My first night there I ate some bad crudités at the bar and within hours I was showing symptoms of food poisoning. At breakfast the next morning - a special breakfast for all the guests of people there for the conference my girlfriend was attending - I made polite conversation with the other guests, who were mostly sweet older women there with their affluent lawyer husbands. Midway through a staff member’s breakfast lecture about The Hotel’s Storied History (Did you know they filmed Some Like It Hot there?) I excused myself to projectile vomit all over a locked door that should’ve been unlocked, that should’ve let me into the men’s room where I could projectile vomit privately, with as much dignity as one can have while shooting vomit out of their face like some kind of nightmarish sci-fi vomit cannon.

I spent the next two days in my hotel room, embarrassed, the sound of the tide gently lapping the beach taunting me through windows I’d opened partially to hear the calming ocean breeze, partially to air out my vomity, vomity room. The hotel staff apologized but never seemed to own up to the fact that it was their cauliflower and their veggie dip that reduced me to a pile of lethargy and barf. They dry cleaned the clothes I was wearing when I vomited all over that wretched door, they delivered me some chicken noodle soup and saltine crackers which I ultimately failed to keep down, they called to say they’re sorry I wasn’t feeling well, especially at the Hotel Del Coronado, the Beachfront Hotel Where They Filmed Some Like It Hot, and Golly, Marilyn Monroe Sure Was a Beauty, Wasn’t She? Sorry About All the Vomiting, Though.

So this morning Amy, with whom I am still on good terms, forwarded me an email she received from the Hotel del Coronado, an email saying:

We’d Like to Welcome You Back

Your conference stay was just the beginning of experiencing the historic Hotel del Coronado. We’d like to welcome you back for a relaxing stay on beautiful Coronado Island.

And all she added to the forwarded email was a little winking emoticon, as if to say “isn’t it funny how this promotional email is failing to mention how much you threw up that one time?”

So I cracked open Chrome’s Inspect Element and did what I always do when something needs new words. And you know what? Now I feel a little less bitter about the whole thing. Let bygones by bygoooooRRRRRFFFFF (vomits on pants) noooo you’ve done it again, Hotel Del Coronado!!!!!

24 6 / 2014

Bacon and cheese, am I right, Facebook? happy hour is a time for laughs

[more Birds Eye posts]

(Source: facebook.com)

05 6 / 2014

Quick reminder: my great-grandfather founded this company

23 5 / 2014

nickdouglas:

The extra notes saying things like “LOL this is great” or “THIS” that get reblogged along with the meaningful content

Usage coined by tehawesome and me

I never fully understood the need for that extra line on a popular post. Like, you should know a post is funny without that last line of someone going “adsfa;dslfjadfsl i’m dying right now i can’t even!!!!” And yet I’m sure those lines are helping the post’s popularity because it’s a strong indication that someone really enjoyed it and you might want to give it a little more attention.

08 5 / 2014

leannekolpin:

Doodle from this morning. I’m not going to have prints made of this but am selling the original piece.

if all went well, I just bought this. i love it.

leannekolpin:

Doodle from this morning. I’m not going to have prints made of this but am selling the original piece.

if all went well, I just bought this. i love it.

(Source: lkolpin, via coloroflann)

30 4 / 2014

cool phone in your ad, weather.com. cool relevant phone

cool phone in your ad, weather.com. cool relevant phone

28 4 / 2014

Actual tragedy hit the Midwest and weather.com managed to break it up into around 20 different wreckage slideshows and “wow look at all the broken houses” videos.

"We’re gonna get so many clicks!" they declared, picking out the best photos of people walking through rubble.

24 4 / 2014

More rewrites of the little side headline thingys on weather.com

24 4 / 2014

More weather.com clickbait rewrites.

I’ve noticed that about 90% of the videos are pretty much “watch these people almost die.”

23 4 / 2014

A hipster argument in which one person does not understand what a hipster is

  • 1: "Ugh, this is such a hipster neighborhood."
  • 2: "This is NOT a hipster neighborhood."
  • 1: "Look at all the park space! Tons of trees and shade."
  • 2: "I mean, yeah, but that doesn't make it a hipster neighborhood."
  • 1: "It's obvious! Just look at the ground! Twigs everywhere. I bet the hipsters are using them to build their dumb hipster nests."
  • 2: "Is 'nest' slang for something I don't know about, or... ?"
  • 1: "And can you hear the hipsters cawing their weird music from the trees? Fucking hipsters."
  • 2: "Those are birds. You're confusing hipsters with birds."
  • 1: "Call them what you want, I just don't like hipsters. I mean, sure, it's cute when a baby hipster hatches from an egg, but-"
  • 2: "Nope, not hipsters. Definitely birds."
  • 1: "Whatever, let's find your car and get out of here before hipsters peck our eyes out, like in that Alfred Hitchcock movie The Hipsters."
  • 2: "Pretty sure that movie was called something elseOH GODDAMN IT, I parked my car under this tree and now there's bird shit all over it."
  • 1: "Fucking hipsters!"
  • 2: "Fucking hipsters."