13 4 / 2014

"What should I call my daycare center?"
“Name it after someone famous for being responsible with children.”
“Like the Pied Piper?”
“That name sounds familiar but maybe you should look him up on Google first.”
“What’s Google?”

12 4 / 2014

I’ll keep doing weather.com clickbait headline rewrites until it no longer brings me joy.

08 4 / 2014

Can’t stop rewriting weather.com clickbait headlines

[Previously]

07 4 / 2014

Weather.com’s new aggressively stupid new format uses the dumbest photos and clickbait headlines, and I can’t stop changing the words to be less infuriating.

[Previously]

07 4 / 2014

Something about the new weather.com homepage seems… different.
This is a big image. You’re going to want to click through.

Something about the new weather.com homepage seems… different.

This is a big image. You’re going to want to click through.

02 4 / 2014

There are a few things I’ve learned from commenting on the Birds Eye Vegetables Facebook page:

  • People love answering dumb questions. Over 900 people responded to the above post, all of them saying something like “pepper.” It’s like some wealthy lunatic asked, “How could I get hundreds of people to all type ‘pepper’ onto the internet like an absurdist art project?” And here we are, I guess.
  • Birds Eye Vegetables only Likes right answers. See that second screenshot? Do you see the two utter losers with no Likes? That’s because Birds Eye only rewards winners. “Orange pepper”? Have a Like! “Red bell pepper”? LikeTown, Population: You! “Cantalope”? Are you kidding me? Go fuck yourself, idiot.
  • Birds Eye will benevolently chime in to give the right answer if someone isn’t sure. And then people will reply to that reply, because nobody can stop Facebook commenters from shouting “pepper” all over this thread. They see that comment box and they think, “Oh look, a text box! I have to type pepper into that thing!!!”
  • Nobody in the Birds Eye thread really talks to other people, so I feel free to leave multiple comments now. Birds Eye never responds, and other people pretty much just type “red pepper” and continue on with their very important schedules. So, when all comments are viewed chronologically, I look like someone having an argument with an unrelenting army of people who only type “pepper” into comment boxes. I’m basically Neo fighting wave after wave of machines outside the Matrix, only instead of doing kung fu I’m talking about pumpkins a lot.
  • And lastly, this isn’t a thing I learned, really, but I appreciated Nick openly disagreeing with Our Lord and Master Birds Eye Vegetables re: whether that pepper is a pumpkin. I only hope the Birds Eye Facebook page admin is half as amused as we are, but sometimes I imagine some 80s cartoon villain smashing his metal fist against his big desk and shouting, “Curses! They called it a pumpkin again!”

01 4 / 2014

Oh no they didn’t.
(Clarence is my great-grandfather.)

Oh no they didn’t.

(Clarence is my great-grandfather.)

28 1 / 2014

Word to the guy who told the people selling carrots that he hates carrots

(Source: facebook.com)

26 1 / 2014

Nick is a very patient man. Here is the Kony joke I sent him:

given his powerful status and his army of weaker minions, bowser is basically joseph kony

also i am a lightweight and that is the actual number of beers it takes for me to embarrass myself

Nick is a very patient man. Here is the Kony joke I sent him:

given his powerful status and his army of weaker minions, bowser is basically joseph kony

also i am a lightweight and that is the actual number of beers it takes for me to embarrass myself

(Source: nickdouglas)

17 1 / 2014

I’m a monster.

I’m a monster.

(Source: facebook.com)

03 1 / 2014

My great-grandfather Clarence Birdseye founded the Birds Eye Frozen Food Company in 1923. Then in 1929 he sold it to what later became the General Foods Corporation. More recently, however, Birds Eye got a Facebook page and now I leave stupid comments on their posts for some reason.
(Here are other posts where I’ve left dumb comments)

My great-grandfather Clarence Birdseye founded the Birds Eye Frozen Food Company in 1923. Then in 1929 he sold it to what later became the General Foods Corporation. More recently, however, Birds Eye got a Facebook page and now I leave stupid comments on their posts for some reason.

(Here are other posts where I’ve left dumb comments)

(Source: slacktory)

08 11 / 2013

rachelfershleiser:

him: how come the google.com image today is just a different drawing of a penis every time???
me: Are you crazy? That is definitely a vag.
him: are you sure? i keep refreshing and it’s just dicks dicks dicks
me: Or maybe it’s… my father…?
him: here’s a reply to your comment I refuse to post “I see my mom… made out of dicks? and she’s looking hot!!!!!”
me: I mean, if you posted that, I’d probably stab my own eyes out…

 (Btw the Google homepage today gives you a random Rorschach test.)

29 10 / 2013

lindstifa:

Ok, here is what was SUPPOSED to post earlier. Ooooooh! Ahhhhh!

Showed Lindsay how to record slow motion video today.

09 9 / 2013

You think the White House makes an intern do it? Like, an intern with a plastic baggy follows the President around like he’s a dog walker? As in, the President makes a little poopie and then the intern goes into the Wendy’s men’s room or whatever and picks up the poop so the Taliban can’t have it.

And then after the poop is collected, maybe the poop goes into a lil’ scrap book or something. A scrap book of presidential poop secrets.

09 9 / 2013

Weird. Just got one of those “Your friend backed a project on Kickstarter” emails. Looks like they added a new button.

Weird. Just got one of those “Your friend backed a project on Kickstarter” emails. Looks like they added a new button.