23 4 / 2014

A hipster argument in which one person does not understand what a hipster is

  • 1: "Ugh, this is such a hipster neighborhood."
  • 2: "This is NOT a hipster neighborhood."
  • 1: "Look at all the park space! Tons of trees and shade."
  • 2: "I mean, yeah, but that doesn't make it a hipster neighborhood."
  • 1: "It's obvious! Just look at the ground! Twigs everywhere. I bet the hipsters are using them to build their dumb hipster nests."
  • 2: "Is 'nest' slang for something I don't know about, or... ?"
  • 1: "And can you hear the hipsters cawing their weird music from the trees? Fucking hipsters."
  • 2: "Those are birds. You're confusing hipsters with birds."
  • 1: "Call them what you want, I just don't like hipsters. I mean, sure, it's cute when a baby hipster hatches from an egg, but-"
  • 2: "Nope, not hipsters. Definitely birds."
  • 1: "Whatever, let's find your car and get out of here before hipsters peck our eyes out, like in that Alfred Hitchcock movie The Hipsters."
  • 2: "Pretty sure that movie was called something elseOH GODDAMN IT, I parked my car under this tree and now there's bird shit all over it."
  • 1: "Fucking hipsters!"
  • 2: "Fucking hipsters."

22 4 / 2014

This happened and I think it is just the coolest thing and Leah rules. She got a singer-songwriter to sign the goddamn internet for me.

msprolix:

image

How I came to do this stupid but fun thing :

  1. Become acquainted with tehawesome on some sort of private chatroom run by mutual friends over the last few weeks. 
  2. See johndarnielle share Henry’s very amusing weather channel post. 
  3. Knowing you are going to see The Mountain Goats in concert a few days later, joke about getting a printout of the post signed.
  4. Forget to actually print it out, get saved by Erin
  5. See The Mountain Goats at the Old Town School, which is an awesome venue, but maybe you are biased, you volunteer there and have probably worked around 70 shows over the last 10 years. But seriously! You should both see The Mountain Goats live and see a show at OTS if you are near Chicago. Anyhow, I DIGRESS
  6. Ask John Darnielle to sign the printout. He is a kind and patient person, and you are not asking him to like, sign your chest or take a picture or anything, he signs the printout, you run off to drink beers with friends and feel warm about the world. 
  7. Clip the picture to your fridge.
  8. (In the future) Give the printout to Henry. Probably downtown, as you work so close to one another that you can look into his tall office building from your tall office building.

johndarnielle:

dtownsteez:

tehawesome:

I’ll keep doing weather.com clickbait headline rewrites until it no longer brings me joy.

w,dfnbsafndaskjfhas;kflhjashdfas

there’s enough things to be bummed about that I don’t really expend a lot of energy on this one but maaaaaaaan the weather channel was once one of the coolest things in the world it was so boring and awesome and real and now it’s a lure sent to Earth by Satan to try to make you despair well guess what some person I don’t know has turned that Satanic frown upside down. better luck next time, DEVIL

13 4 / 2014

"What should I call my daycare center?"
“Name it after someone famous for being responsible with children.”
“Like the Pied Piper?”
“That name sounds familiar but maybe you should look him up on Google first.”
“What’s Google?”

12 4 / 2014

I’ll keep doing weather.com clickbait headline rewrites until it no longer brings me joy.

08 4 / 2014

Can’t stop rewriting weather.com clickbait headlines

[Previously]

07 4 / 2014

Weather.com’s new aggressively stupid new format uses the dumbest photos and clickbait headlines, and I can’t stop changing the words to be less infuriating.

[Previously]

07 4 / 2014

Something about the new weather.com homepage seems… different.
This is a big image. You’re going to want to click through.

Something about the new weather.com homepage seems… different.

This is a big image. You’re going to want to click through.

02 4 / 2014

There are a few things I’ve learned from commenting on the Birds Eye Vegetables Facebook page:

  • People love answering dumb questions. Over 900 people responded to the above post, all of them saying something like “pepper.” It’s like some wealthy lunatic asked, “How could I get hundreds of people to all type ‘pepper’ onto the internet like an absurdist art project?” And here we are, I guess.
  • Birds Eye Vegetables only Likes right answers. See that second screenshot? Do you see the two utter losers with no Likes? That’s because Birds Eye only rewards winners. “Orange pepper”? Have a Like! “Red bell pepper”? LikeTown, Population: You! “Cantalope”? Are you kidding me? Go fuck yourself, idiot.
  • Birds Eye will benevolently chime in to give the right answer if someone isn’t sure. And then people will reply to that reply, because nobody can stop Facebook commenters from shouting “pepper” all over this thread. They see that comment box and they think, “Oh look, a text box! I have to type pepper into that thing!!!”
  • Nobody in the Birds Eye thread really talks to other people, so I feel free to leave multiple comments now. Birds Eye never responds, and other people pretty much just type “red pepper” and continue on with their very important schedules. So, when all comments are viewed chronologically, I look like someone having an argument with an unrelenting army of people who only type “pepper” into comment boxes. I’m basically Neo fighting wave after wave of machines outside the Matrix, only instead of doing kung fu I’m talking about pumpkins a lot.
  • And lastly, this isn’t a thing I learned, really, but I appreciated Nick openly disagreeing with Our Lord and Master Birds Eye Vegetables re: whether that pepper is a pumpkin. I only hope the Birds Eye Facebook page admin is half as amused as we are, but sometimes I imagine some 80s cartoon villain smashing his metal fist against his big desk and shouting, “Curses! They called it a pumpkin again!”

01 4 / 2014

Oh no they didn’t.
(Clarence is my great-grandfather.)

Oh no they didn’t.

(Clarence is my great-grandfather.)

28 1 / 2014

Word to the guy who told the people selling carrots that he hates carrots

(Source: facebook.com)

26 1 / 2014

Nick is a very patient man. Here is the Kony joke I sent him:

given his powerful status and his army of weaker minions, bowser is basically joseph kony

also i am a lightweight and that is the actual number of beers it takes for me to embarrass myself

Nick is a very patient man. Here is the Kony joke I sent him:

given his powerful status and his army of weaker minions, bowser is basically joseph kony

also i am a lightweight and that is the actual number of beers it takes for me to embarrass myself

(Source: nickdouglas)

17 1 / 2014

I’m a monster.

I’m a monster.

(Source: facebook.com)

03 1 / 2014

My great-grandfather Clarence Birdseye founded the Birds Eye Frozen Food Company in 1923. Then in 1929 he sold it to what later became the General Foods Corporation. More recently, however, Birds Eye got a Facebook page and now I leave stupid comments on their posts for some reason.
(Here are other posts where I’ve left dumb comments)

My great-grandfather Clarence Birdseye founded the Birds Eye Frozen Food Company in 1923. Then in 1929 he sold it to what later became the General Foods Corporation. More recently, however, Birds Eye got a Facebook page and now I leave stupid comments on their posts for some reason.

(Here are other posts where I’ve left dumb comments)

(Source: slacktory)

08 11 / 2013

rachelfershleiser:

him: how come the google.com image today is just a different drawing of a penis every time???
me: Are you crazy? That is definitely a vag.
him: are you sure? i keep refreshing and it’s just dicks dicks dicks
me: Or maybe it’s… my father…?
him: here’s a reply to your comment I refuse to post “I see my mom… made out of dicks? and she’s looking hot!!!!!”
me: I mean, if you posted that, I’d probably stab my own eyes out…

 (Btw the Google homepage today gives you a random Rorschach test.)

29 10 / 2013

lindstifa:

Ok, here is what was SUPPOSED to post earlier. Ooooooh! Ahhhhh!

Showed Lindsay how to record slow motion video today.