08 11 / 2013
him: how come the google.com image today is just a different drawing of a penis every time???
me: Are you crazy? That is definitely a vag.
him: are you sure? i keep refreshing and it’s just dicks dicks dicks
me: Or maybe it’s… my father…?
him: here’s a reply to your comment I refuse to post “I see my mom… made out of dicks? and she’s looking hot!!!!!”
me: I mean, if you posted that, I’d probably stab my own eyes out…
(Btw the Google homepage today gives you a random Rorschach test.)
09 9 / 2013
Did you know that whenever the President poops outside the White House, someone has to collect his poop so our enemies can’t analyze it to find out his medications, weaknesses, etc.?
You think the White House makes an intern do it? Like, an intern with a plastic baggy follows the President around like he’s a dog walker? As in, the President makes a little poopie and then the intern goes into the Wendy’s men’s room or whatever and picks up the poop so the Taliban can’t have it.
And then after the poop is collected, maybe the poop goes into a lil’ scrap book or something. A scrap book of presidential poop secrets.