I understand that "teh" is not funny anymore but sometimes you make an Internet screen name and you stick to it out of an inability to come up with a better one. (Damn it.)
“HEY, YOU SHOULD BE FRIENDS WITH THIS LADY.”
“Facebook, I don’t know her.”
“YES BUT TRY IT.”
“You can’t even tell me what we have in common.”
“LOOK AT HER! FRIENDS NOW?”
“I can’t see her profile picture, and I’ve never heard of her.”
“YEAH BUT ISN’T HER NAME PRETTY?”
“It’s like you’re not even trying.”
“LET’S TAKE OUR SHIRTS OFF AND PLAY FARMVILLE.”
“I’m logging out now.”
“HEY THIS LADY HAS VOWELS IN HER NAME TOO. FRIENDS?”
With the new Twilight movie opening tonight it’s certainly a “vampire weekend!” Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma? Certainly not New Moon fans, as the books are written at about a fourth grade reading level. Back to you in the studio, Greg.
If you program an all-seeing robot dictator to enslave humanity, make sure to not give it any feelings so that it doesn’t get sad when people all over the world make fun of its mustache.
(Also, don’t give it a mustache.)
Here are the notes I was talking about in yesterday’s post. It’s just a screenshot of a text file, but it tells the story of a man descending into madness.
I had a long night last night. I took a day off of work to work on a school project and I never got around to sleeping. I’ve been awake since yesterday morning.
I am tired today. I am also at work. And I was recently in a meeting. And during that meeting I was kind of, sort of, nodding off. Maybe.
And then I, while sitting at my laptop, began drifting away to the vivid dreamscapes of my own mind. Feeling my grip on reality slipping, I willed myself to transmit the wonder and magic of my own subconscious through my fingertips and into my computer as I slowly faded away.
Seconds later I was startled awake, mid-serious-work-discussion, and I read what I had smuggled out of the land of dreams.
“Dynamic vs.tus omepage? Fiendmaking and in pajamas.”
…yep.
Something excellent was happening in my brain, and I’ll never know what it was. Dang.
Commercials for the apparently subpar movie The Fourth Kind were airing on TV last week and I heard a promotional quote that made me laugh at loud.
“This is close encounters of the fourth kind!” -Larry King
Really, Larry King? In a review about a movie called The Fourth Kind you make a pun that references the same movie as the title of the movie you’re reviewing? It’s like he didn’t understand the movie’s title. “It’s probably called The Fourth Kind for some other reason but there’s this other thing that has “the third kind” in its title so I’ll put the two together!!!”
Now, rather than continue to trash Larry King, I think we can turn this into a game. Let’s write promotional quotes for movies in the style of Larry King. The rules are simple: Ignore any cleverness in a movie’s title and then get excited about it!!!
“This is a great Toy Story about some toys!”
“There’s an Inconvenient Truth about all this global warming!”
“It’s a Jurassic Park of dinosaurs!”
Who else wants to play?
I used to play Turing Test with Comcast chat support. The people on there always give canned responses, most likely for efficiency, and sometimes they come off as robots. So I would pretend that they’re all part of an elaborate artificial intelligence program, evolving over time to be able to not only answer every possible question a person could ask, but to come off as human so people don’t get frustrated that their concerns were entrusted to a robot. It’s not too far-fetched an idea, and debating whether a response was more likely from a human or a clever robot helped keep me amused.
I’d smile whenever they talked about how their (supposed) day was going. “Well played, Robot. Humans love small talk,” I’d think. Or if I said my problem was x, and they said “I understand that your problem is x,” but they typed “you’re problem” instead, I’d think about how flaws are really the best way for a computer to pass as a human, and how the artificial intelligence program is progressing nicely.
And then Linda ruined everything.
Last week I got some guy/robot named Rizande, and he helped me with some stuff, but his grammar was perfect and his responses were formulaic. “I will be glad to assist you with your concern.” “I am sorry to hear about your connection problems, Henry.” Canned replies. How dull. Rizande must’ve been an early model chat robot, assigned to basic problems due to his lack of human-like flaws written into his robo-brain. Anyway, he did what he could during our brief chat, then he passed me along to the Internet department.
Enter Linda.
Linda was great. She said things like:
Linda > By the way, I apologize if you waited for quite some time in order for you to chat with us.
This type of stuff was exciting to read. It showed empathy, and that she was willing to pause the conversation to say something polite. But she slipped up a bit, too.
Linda > Since when has this issue happened,
Linda > Since when has this issue happened, Henry?
If she was a robot, then she was written to appear friendly and to make just the right amount of little mistakes to pass herself off as a real person. She continued helping me troubleshoot while we made small talk and I reconsidered her humanity/robotany with every message she sent me. Then she had to wait while her computer pulled up some information and there was a lull in cable-related conversation.
Linda > Please give me a few moments to pull up your account and to review it as well.
Linda > So, how have you been doing today?
Henry_ > Eh, not well. Busy with school and work. Feeling kinda overwhelmed.
Henry_ > This is probably the least stressful part of my day.
Henry_ > How about you?
Linda > Oh I see. That sounds better than having nothing to do at all.
Linda > Oh great, then you’re off to a well-deserved rest afterwards.
Linda > I am doing well. but I am kind of worried. My daughter’s in the hospital. I hope she’ll be better soon.
…
Okay, everybody out of the pool. Let’s shut this Turing Test down. Nothing to see here. Just a very sad woman trying to fix my stupid cable. Jesus Christ.
I don’t think they’re allowed to say that, are they? There’s no way. “STAFF GUIDELINES: Do not share tragic news with the customer. Not even if there’s a conversational lull. DO NOT MENTION HOSPITALS.” Fuck. Not that you could anticipate that when writing an employee handbook, but DAMN. Poor Linda. I wished her and her daughter luck, then went back to troubleshooting my Internet connection like a selfish, healthy prick.
I haven’t had to contact Comcast’s help chat since my interaction with Linda, but I think it’ll be harder to debate whether everyone’s part of an elaborate AI program next time. I don’t think I’ll be able to pretend people are robots after getting ambushed by that type of raw humanity. Not for a long time.
EPILOGUE
Comcast’s Customer Service Director sits at his computer late in the evening, brainstorming ways he could improve Comcast’s online chat service. “Our chat support staffers come across as so robotic. If only there were a way to make them seem more human,” he thinks. He tries googling to solve his problem, and finds an intriguing blog post about a support tech named Linda. He leans forward, stroking his chin.
Later…
His cable was having issues again, so mild-mannered intergalactic bear wrestler Henry Birdseye takes a break to contact his cable provider’s online chat support.
Eunice > Hello Henry.
Eunice > Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support.
Eunice > My name is Eunice, and my daughter is in the hospital.
“NOOOOOOooooooo!” he shouts, and also types into the chat box for good measure.
Henry > NOOOOOOooooooo!
Henry > What the hell did you just type?
Eunice > It sounds like your problem requires more help. Allow me to transfer you to another analyst.
Terrence > Hello Henry. My name is Terrence. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Henry > Oh thank god you’re normal.
Henry > My cable is having problems.
Terrence > I will be glad to assist you with your concern.
Terrence > RIGHT AFTER MY DAUGHTER GETS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL.
Henry > NOOOOOOooooooo!
Nice try, Arby’s.
“HEY, I MOVED THIS STUFF FOR YOU.”
“Put it back.”
“AND THEN I MADE THIS BIG.”
“I didn’t ask for that.”
“I AM HELPING.”
“Please stop.”
Every day is Take Your Child to Work Day when you’re using Microsoft Word.
