Manager: Have you finished drawing those holly berries on the front window of our shop?
Clerk: Almost! I’ve got three berries and a couple leaves. Just got to connect everything and I’m all done. This is going to look great.
Manager: Excellent! Only, I’ve changed my mind about your drawing. It should be a Santa.
Clerk: So I should erase the holly berries and start over?
Manager: No, no. Keep the berries there. Just make them Santa’s face.
Clerk: O… kay.
Manager: Trust me! Draw a combination of the two. Imagine Santa’s father - an old man with a big white beard - making a baby with a holly berry bush.
Clerk: I’d prefer not t-
Manager: I SAID IMAGINE IT. Now draw it. Draw it on our window. The child born from a jolly old man and some Christmas berries. Put it here, on the window of our pizza place here in downtown Chicago.
Clerk: Ugh. Fine.
Manager: Also make sure everyone knows that Santa is a white man. Put a label under his face, so no one forgets. Don’t want people thinking Santa’s Puerto Rican or something.
Clerk: Like, write “White man” under him? That doesn’t make sense.
Manager: No, that’s too nice. Write “Cracker.”
Clerk: That makes even less sense. But sure. Whatever.
Manager: Holly berry face cracker Santa is complete! This is going to be the merriest Christmas ever!
Clerk: It’s January.
I had a football conversation with another male at a Christmas party
(Setting: my girlfriend’s aunt’s living room. A football game plays on the television.)
Girlfriend’s cousin’s husband: How ‘bout those Lions?
Me: They are a sports team.
That’s it. That was the entire conversation.
I can’t talk about sports with any knowledge or passion. I don’t have sports opinions. I can just recite broad facts, and at that moment the best I could do was, “The Lions are a sports team.”
After our ultra-manly sports chat I think he just kinda walked away while I pretended to sip from a can of Diet Coke that’d probably been empty for several minutes at that point.
I found the most patriotic dumpster and sang a little song about it.
How to switch back to the Old Gmail: A quick & easy reference
To switch back to the old Gmail, click the gear in the top right corner, then select, “Revert to the old look temporarily.” It’s as easy as that!
Yeah, I know “temporarily” is a little passive-aggressive, but that’s the reality! You need to know that while Google acknowledges your preference for the old Gmail, it’s only going to respect it *temporarily*. You know, like when a bad short order cook says he’ll stop sitting in your food “for a while.” That’s nice, but let’s be realistic: he’s eventually just going to go back to being a dick. (What, you guys don’t talk to the short order cooks who spit in your food? I thought that was a great example.)
And wait, did you click the wrong gear in the top right corner and you still couldn’t find the right link? Make sure you didn’t click the gear with 8 teeth! That one’s got options like “Mail settings.” You want the one with 6 teeth. That’s the one for Inbox settings. (For example, there’s a link for “Settings” but that might not be the same settings as the Mail settings on the 8-teeth gear!)
When learning a new interface, it’s important to figure out which gear icon goes with which settings, and you can do that by counting the teeth. More teeth = more important settings, probably.
How to stop the New Gmail from being so horrifically tall: A Bonus Guide
New Gmail’s advertised as being “cleaner” and “more modern.” That means they took out all the lines, made all the text bigger and bolder, and added way too much goddamn whitespace to everything. But what if you don’t like too much goddamn whitespace?
It turns out, there’s a neat way to dial down the fucking whitespace:
Click the gear in the top right corner (the gear with six teeth, not eight teeth!!!). Look under “Display density.” It should be set to “Comfortable.” You know, because your text needs some room to relax after a long day of you being able to read it. Isn’t that why every book you’ve ever read was printed triple-spaced? Anyway, just click “Compact.”
Congratulations! Now you can scan your inbox without having to vertically scroll so much!
“Hey guys, remember in 2006 when MySpace let you set your background image to any old ugly shit so it was harder to read everything? Let’s bring that back LOL.”
-Google, apparently
I’ve been accused of many things, but this is a first.
I didn’t make this image to disrespect Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I made this image because I love terrible puns.
That, and I’m not good enough at Photoshop to make the Malcolm X-Men.
Let me guess what that special gift is, ProFlowers. Is it flowers? Of course it’s flowers.
How do the people at ProFlowers do it? I mean, what was their sales pitch six months ago? “Get your sweetheart the perfect gift. That’s right. It’s flowers. Love, ProFlowers.” And then at the beginning of summer, it was what? I’m guessing it was something like, “Check it out, these flowers are yellow.” Now we’re going into autumn, and they’re still talking about flowers like we’ve forgotten that flowers exist. When you open that email, it basically just says, “ORANGE FLOWERS!!!” and maybe they got a new type of vase or something.
I think I bought flowers from ProFlowers once. When the flowers arrived at my girlfriend’s office, they came in a long box, and they were frozen. It was like they sent her a failed cryogenic experiment. So, once she freed her cold flowers from their cardboard prison, she had to assemble her own goddamn flowers, and then they died after a couple days. Then she had an empty vase to remind her of the time she got some disappointing flowers, and you can’t just throw away a perfectly good vase, so you know she’s keeping that stupid jerk vase forever. It’s probably sitting in her office right now, like a little failure trophy.
In conclusion, sometimes I get mad at emails.
What if we expressed great emotion not by crying, but by farting?
“When I saw my newborn daughter for the first time, I was farting farts of joy.”
“Just got some terrible news! I’m devastated, and now it smells like total shit over here.”
“My day was so bad that I just had to go home and fart into a pillow.”
“I can’t believe you took the time to make that wonderful Mexican dinner for me! That’s so sweet, I’m overcome with emotion!” (person is farting twice as much)
I’ve been teaching myself Adobe Premiere lately, so I took some game footage I recorded from Batman: Arkham Asylum and I made a thing.
2 things about this video:
1) You should watch it.
It’s not perfect, but it’s silly and it’s under a minute.
2) I scared the shit out of my girlfriend while making it.
Originally I just wanted to show Batman fighting in reverse because it looked kinda cool, but that wasn’t interesting enough. So, I added the forward version first. And the title text. I was practicing Adobe Premiere the whole time, so it seemed worth it.
Then I figured I should add a Batman voice. Now, at this point, it was around 11pm, and our apartment was very dark, and my girlfriend was peacefully snoozing on the couch. So, naturally, when she woke up to the sound of me saying “You’re welcome, you’re welcome, you’re welcome” in a gritty Batman voice, she was a little freaked out. I actually had to edit out the sound of her drowsily yelling, “What are you doing? Stop it!” from the next room.
And then, of course, I couldn’t really do a second take at doing the voice over, because I’d already annoyed her. I think that’s for the best, actually, because I’m sure I would’ve obsessed over that Batman voice if I were allowed to. Oh, and fun fact: I learned that an unrehearsed Batman voice can quickly turn into a Scooby-Doo voice if you don’t stay focused.
So, that’s the video. I’ve explicitly called it an excuse to learn video editing, so hopefully that excuses it from any criticism. It’s only practice! You can’t call it terrible if it’s only practice! (This excuse also works when you’re bad at sex! “Baby, I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy yourself, but it was only a practice run. You understand.” You’re welcome, fellas.)
Source: whatimplaying
NOW I NEED DUKE TO SNAP ONE.I snapped a banana in two, then used one half for food and the other for clothing!
I made a video for Banana Snap! The idea behind Banana Snap is that you record yourself snapping a banana in half. It’s weirdly dramatic, because you can’t always be sure if it’ll snap nicely in half or just get bent and mushy. It’s like opening a treat inside a Cracker Jack box. Sometimes you get a rad temporary tattoo, and other times you just get a bunch of mushed up banana goo on your hands.
I’d have Duke make a video but he doesn’t have thumbs and he doesn’t like bananas and he isn’t very good at uploading stuff to YouTube. He’s such a Luddite!
Hey, dog! Go get some thumbs and an email address, and then we’ll talk about you snapping a banana on the Internet! Pffft.
Source: bananasnap
This is the best unintentionally horrifying video I’ve seen in a long time. There’s hardly a second in this video that isn’t deeply disturbing.
Here are some highlights:
0:01: One second in, and this person clearly has no concept of where Minnie’s head is facing. Also, why is this video being shot in a stairwell?
0:03: The balloons aren’t filled with helium so when this person waves, they’re really just waving around a bunch of sad balloons. It’s like they forgot they were holding balloons in the first place.
0:06: Why did the person in the Minnie costume walk up the steps and then down them? Was there someone off-camera shooing them down the steps and whispering, “You know you can’t leave the basement! Get down there!”? Is this person being forced to wear the Minnie Mouse costume? Are we watching one of those prison performance videos, like when that Filipino prison made all those inmates perform “Thriller”?
0:11: If this is a happy birthday video for one kid, then why did she just say hello to five different kids?
0:22: You know that time Marilyn Monroe sang “Happy Birthday” to the president and it was all breathy and sexy? This is the opposite of that.
0:28: Another clumsy balloon wave. The fact that she(?) is crammed into a stairwell makes it even more depressing.
0:36: This is apparently a video for someone named Aaron Gonzaga, but that sign definitely says “HAPPY BIRTHDAY 3 TODAY AARON GONZARA.” It makes an otherwise desperate video look strangely insincere. If you’re going to force a sad person to wear a Minnie Mouse costume and sing to some kid over the Internet, at least give them an accurate sign.
0:45: The pitch of her voice combined with that little shimmy move makes me wonder if maybe this whole video is some kind of avant-garde art performance and we’re just not in on it. Or maybe this video’s some kind of horrible crime footage? Who knows? That’s art for ya!
0:47 Why did she just violently shake the balloons like that? That actually looked kinda menacing. “See these limp balloons? Well, I’m shakin’ ‘em! And they’re YOU!”
0:55: Not realizing where her head is pointing, Minnie Mouse appears to be talking to the floor now.
1:00: That is the most terrifying giggle I have ever heard.
1:15: She just called herself Mickey Mouse. She is in a Minnie Mouse costume.
1:22: She appears to have run out of things to say and is just clapping and repeating “Happy Birthday, Aaron” until the person with the camera mercifully stops filming.
1:32: “See you soon in Disneyland” sounds like a weird plea when it comes from an adult shouting up at you from a stairwell.
Sorry about the nightmares, everyone!
Recently, my dear friend Bora crashed at my place while visiting from out of town. Before we all went to sleep, I gave him one simple rule for sleeping on my couch.
Just finished reading The Hunger Games. I enjoyed it, but I felt like it could’ve had a more accurate name, so I made this.
