May 2013
1 post
7 tags
WatchThis is some weird public “art.” Picasso, man, what the hell.
April 2013
10 posts
5 tags
Twitter / Search - "game of thrones" "musical... →
Tons of people making pretty much the same Game of Thrones / musical chairs joke.
Reminds me of that time everyone made everything bagel jokes. (Though those really only shared a premise, whereas these musical chairs jokes are pretty much the same joke.)
6 tags
WatchBehind the Vine: Street Goose
I think ultimately this Vine where I’m shouting at a goose is about Mother Nature vs. Technology.
I found this goose sitting in a mall parking lot, in this little lane that cars use to turn around. This is a terrible place for a goose, so I thought maybe I’d chase it away, because dude, goose, there are cars here. Get out.
But as I ran closer, shouting...
5 tags
3 tags
Who the hell are these people who send their...
“Hey guys, most of you don’t know me, just wanted to let you know that I have no sense of what’s appropriate and now I’m leaving.”
Thanks buddy I had diarrhea last night have a good one.
5 tags
5 tags
5 tags
4 tags
Watchnickdouglas:
Henry Birdseye hazes his Roomba
My girlfriend came home just as I was putting this together. She opened the door to find that I’d started the Roomba, stowed our dogs on the couch, and assembled a stack of papers insulting our Roomba.
“You know, it’s like cyberbullying, but for a Roomba?” I was inspired by this image of a squirrel being cyberbullied but...
4 tags
March 2013
4 posts
4 tags
Survivor: Weekend at Bernie's Edition
So I read recently that the latest season of the French version of Survivor was canceled because a contestent DIED during filming. That’s terrible news.
But what if, uh… what if he wasn’t disqualified? Like, there wasn’t a rule for that, so they kept him around? And maybe it’s done Weekend at Bernie’s style.
So they go to the voting ceremony for one round, and...
4 tags
I am basically the world's greatest detective
I’ve watched the BBC’s Sherlock, so now I think that it’s important to notice small details. It’s stupid but I’m sure I’m not the only one who does this.
This morning I noticed a coworker drinking a particular type of coffee, and that told me how she gets to work, because that particular coffee shop only exists near a particular train station.
So now I know...
3 tags
I went to a meeting yesterday that literally...
Some people asked valid questions; others panicked.
The people who make things were confused, and the people who manage stuff and go to meetings all day lied.
Is that kafkaesque?
Also I turned into a cockroach
7 tags
February 2013
2 posts
3 tags
3 tags
January 2013
14 posts
6 tags
How every scandal plays out in Downton Abbey
Person 1 does something they are not supposed to do because it violated social rules or etiquette or whatever.
Person 2 says, “My heavens! Why did you do that thing?”
Person 1 says, “I apologize! I made a simple mistake.”
LATER
Person 3 whispers to Person 4, “Did you hear about Person 1? They did that thing!”
Person 4 replies, “I can’t believe...
7 tags
5 tags
“I think teenagers are googling “I hate my mom” and ending up on our page. And...”
– Slacktory: The comments section for our “30 Teenagers Saying ‘I Hate My Mom’ on Facebook” has become an angry teenager mom-hate lounge
Nick pointed out to me that we were getting weird comments on an old post, so I wrote this up to try and explain what’s going on. It’s an odd phenomenon...
4 tags
“Welcome back to reddit Ali! Don’t let the creeps and misogynists scare you...”
– Redditor flolllly welcoming actress Ali Larter back to Reddit.
[context]
4 tags
7 tags
5 tags
8 tags
Henry's Coconut Curry Cauliflower Mash recipe... →
classyfoodmofo:
This dish is super tasty and takes about 25 minutes to make. It’s from the book The 4-Hour Chef. I’ve successfully prepared it 4 times now, so this is all from memory.
This dish serves 2 adults, and makes a nice side dish.
ATTENTION people who eat food! I’m learning how to cook so I shared one of my new favorite recipes on Classy Food, Motherfucker. I’ve made...
3 tags
4 tags
I have very strong opinions about the Trix Rabbit,...
Today I learned that the Trix Rabbit has been endlessly pursuing Trix since the late 1950s. That’s insane.
What’s even more messed up is that General Mills admits they let him have Trix, but only twice:
Foiled repeatedly since 1957 by being told,“Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids,” the Trix Rabbit eventually tasted Trix in 1976 and 1980 following box-top voting campaigns.
Have...
4 tags
The Wire, but with horses
I found out recently that there was a murder a few blocks over from where I live. This is terrible news and I’m sad to hear it, but I’m not worried. I’m in a pretty nice neighborhood, but then if you go west a few blocks, things take a turn.
The weirdest part about this news is that the murder happened at an intersection with horses. You know those horse carriages that only...
2 tags
My friend just posted a status on Facebook. It was clearly his girlfriend who posted it, but she posted it under his name. She probably just went on his computer, and he was still signed in, so she posted this cute little message as him:
My girlfriend is the bomb. I love her. I will get her coffee in the morning. I will rub her feet. Whatever she desires, I’m there.
And I think...
7 tags
6 tags
Introducing user-generated content to your website...
If you don’t have the time to groom and train it, you’re just going to waste a lot of money and get covered in shit.
December 2012
1 post
3 tags
“While unemployed and midway through writing the first novel with the character...”
– Origins of the name “Jack Reacher” on Wikipedia
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read. Jack Reacher is called Jack Reacher because the guy who wrote the Jack Reacher books reached for a thing once. No, really.
Can’t wait to read more stories about Jack Reacher and his...
August 2012
3 posts
5 tags
Double Decker Bus Tour Guy With Really Bad Road... →
slacktory:
This is what happens when I get an idea and dump it on Nick over chat.
Sometimes I’ll get these little throwaway ideas and I’ll dump them on friends over Gchat. Yesterday Nick decided that one was worth articulating, so I basically just expanded on it over chat and he edited it.
If I were a rich man, you better believe I’d find a way to get this filmed.
6 tags
5 tags
You had your chance.
Her: Pssst
Me: Hey. Wow. It's been so long. What's up?
Her: I want you back.
Me: No. You had your chance.
Her: C'mon. I've changed.
Me: No, I really don't think you have.
Her: I've got something to show you.
Me: I'm not interested.
Her: C'mon. Click it. Click my red notification box.
Me: You try this every few weeks. No. Not now, Google Plus.
Her: But come ooooooon. Things were so great between us.
Me: I'll admit, we were good for a while. But then you didn't get along with my friends. Sure, we all hung out a few times, and that was great, but then we all went back to Facebook.
Her: You know I hate it when you say her name.
Me: Sorry, but that's just how it is.
Her: I can introduce you to new friends. I've been sending you notifications about all these new friends. I think you'd like them. You're probably already friends with them but you just haven't introduced me to them yet.
Me: The fifty-seven random Iranian dudes?
Her: Huh?
Me: You sent me notifications about fifty-seven random Iranian dudes.
Her: That's not true. There were a few Nigerian guys in there.
Me: That's not really my complaint. It's that these aren't even people I know.
Her: But you can choose what you share with them. How great is that? What a fun way to approach privacy. You can put them in circles.
Me: Or I can not put them in circles, because I don't know these people.
Her: Make a circle called "I don't know these people"! It's like a circle that isn't a circle! Isn't it fun, putting your friends in circles? It's like a job, but with friendship.
Me: I'm leaving.
Her: Fine. See if I care.
Me: Whatever.
Her: You'll be back! Just you wait until the one friend of yours who still uses me posts some vacation photos! I'll be right back in your life, and I'll bring my little notification box with me! Leave me? You'll never leave me. I live in your inbox. I can read your emails. If you so much as get a birthday party evite, I'll be right there, ready to schedule it into your social calendar. I'm your present, I'm your future. I watch you poop. I'm not going anywhere, and I'll never run out of random Iranian dudes to help me remind you that I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, because I'm everywhere. Sleep tight.
July 2012
1 post
4 tags
There should be a spooky science fiction story...
and it’s just a modern office building.
May 2012
1 post
3 tags
April 2012
3 posts
4 tags
I don't know how to tour homes
I toured a couple condos yesterday morning. One of them still had a family living in it, so all their stuff was still there. While going through the unit, I kept thinking of all these things that had NOTHING to do with properly evaluating the place. I’d think these thoughts, then immediately feel like an idiot.
I sat on their couch. “Hmmm. Good couch.” (The couch would not come...
4 tags
March 2012
1 post
6 tags
February 2012
1 post
2 tags
“The breed does well in the city, said Henry Birdseye of Old Town, who owns a...”
– Chicago dog lovers weigh in on Pekingese win Tuesday
Sometimes I talk to newspapers about how much I like little dogs. What.
(Regarding the brackets at the end of that quotation, I think I said “little snorty dogs” or something along those lines. The substitution is understandable, I...
January 2012
2 posts
2 tags
1 tag
December 2011
2 posts
I had a football conversation with another male at...
(Setting: my girlfriend’s aunt’s living room. A football game plays on the television.)
Girlfriend’s cousin’s husband: How ‘bout those Lions?
Me: They are a sports team.
That’s it. That was the entire conversation.
I can’t talk about sports with any knowledge or passion. I don’t have sports opinions. I can just recite broad facts, and at that...
1 tag
WatchI found the most patriotic dumpster and sang a little song about it.
November 2011
2 posts
6 tags
5 tags
October 2011
2 posts
5 tags
