You know Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, right? This is that, but for pooping.
Because pooping with an iPhone + Wi-fi is pretty much the bathroom version of self-actualization.
You guys will never guess where I thought of this chart!!!
This chart is me finally putting my bachelor’s degree in psychology to good use, making it one of the most expensive poop jokes ever written.
I toured a couple condos yesterday morning. One of them still had a family living in it, so all their stuff was still there. While going through the unit, I kept thinking of all these things that had NOTHING to do with properly evaluating the place. I’d think these thoughts, then immediately feel like an idiot.
Let’s Send All the People Who Ruin the Internet Out to a Farm by Henry Birdseye
I’m not usually links-to-the-other-blog-he-contributes-to guy but I really enjoyed writing this on Slacktory. I was basically chatting with Nick about everyday crap and he suggested I write a post about it. He insisted I keep all the insidery nonsense that came with it, and I did, and I’m happy with how it turned out.
At the end of several chapters in Patton Oswalt’s book Zombie Spaceship Wasteland, he includes a list of all the things he did on the Internet while writing that piece. I really liked that because it presents writing as it really is: a process in which you may or may not be completely fartin’ around between paragraphs. So, in the spirit of that post, I wrote about the guilt I felt doing a Google Image search for non-hispanic farmers, because that was part of my process and that might be interesting, too.
A Message From the Guy Who Won the Lottery and Wants to Share His Money With Everyone on Facebook by Henry Birdseye
I just want to change the world with this money. I could donate it to a charity, but what is a charity, really? A bunch of strangers who give your money to even more strangers? No thank you! I only deal with first-degree strangers!
Have any of you see the Facebook meme about the lottery winner that’s been going around for the last 2 days? Basically it’s a grainy webcam photo of a bearded white guy holding a winning Mega Millions ticket. The caption reads, “This dude actually won and hes planin on splittin a little with anyone who shares his update sooo im sharing.” It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It’s also been shared tens of thousands of times.
So, last night I took a crappy webcam photo of myself holding a blank check, then photoshopped some fake information onto it, and wrote the above post about a lottery winner who wants to share his money with total strangers. It’s all deliberately absurd. I talk about flying to people’s houses on a jet, and I brag about owning a laser printer. The zeros on the check run onto my hand, and the check itself is signed by Barack Obama.
And people still aren’t getting it.
Which is fine, I guess? There’s something sweet about people wanting all of this stuff to be real. It reminds me of little kids believing in Santa, only this time it’s grown adults, and Santa is a sneaky jpeg. Either way, both parties should be able to verify whether it’s a hoax or not. (Hey CHILDREN, it’s called GOOGLE. ASKJEEVES IT.)
Anyway, I’ve made a public Facebook post on Slacktory that’s very similar to the original hoax photo. You can share it if you want, ideally with a caption like “oh man i hope its true!!!” Consider it an experiment: Will your friends get the joke, or will they pass it along without realizing the check’s memo says, “Won real lottery”?
The Time Traveler | Left-Handed Toons
Written by Henry, drawn by meComic URL: http://www.lefthandedtoons.com/1203/
I tried to cram this “time traveler explaining butt dialing” joke into a tweet and it wasn’t working. I’m glad I shared the idea with Drew and he offered to draw it, because his time traveler guy’s arms are hilariously expressive, and the polite clapping pilgrims are adorable.
I can’t imagine a third panel that delivers that line better. He looks SO concerned about sneaky butts using telephones.
“
The breed does well in the city, said Henry Birdseye of Old Town, who owns a Pekingese named Barney and runs a blog, Duke’s Dog Blog, about his Peke Duke, who recently died. Birdseye says in his experience, Pekingese don’t mind the Chicago weather and do well in small spaces.
“They’re apartment dogs,” said Birdseye, who’s not ashamed to be a Peke fan. “I’ve somehow made it very open that I’m grown man who likes little [Pekingese].”
” —Chicago dog lovers weigh in on Pekingese win Tuesday
Sometimes I talk to newspapers about how much I like little dogs. What.
(Regarding the brackets at the end of that quotation, I think I said “little snorty dogs” or something along those lines. The substitution is understandable, I guess.)
[video]
Manager: Have you finished drawing those holly berries on the front window of our shop?
Clerk: Almost! I’ve got three berries and a couple leaves. Just got to connect everything and I’m all done. This is going to look great.
Manager: Excellent! Only, I’ve changed my mind about your drawing. It should be a Santa.
Clerk: So I should erase the holly berries and start over?
Manager: No, no. Keep the berries there. Just make them Santa’s face.
Clerk: O… kay.
Manager: Trust me! Draw a combination of the two. Imagine Santa’s father - an old man with a big white beard - making a baby with a holly berry bush.
Clerk: I’d prefer not t-
Manager: I SAID IMAGINE IT. Now draw it. Draw it on our window. The child born from a jolly old man and some Christmas berries. Put it here, on the window of our pizza place here in downtown Chicago.
Clerk: Ugh. Fine.
Manager: Also make sure everyone knows that Santa is a white man. Put a label under his face, so no one forgets. Don’t want people thinking Santa’s Puerto Rican or something.
Clerk: Like, write “White man” under him? That doesn’t make sense.
Manager: No, that’s too nice. Write “Cracker.”
Clerk: That makes even less sense. But sure. Whatever.
Manager: Holly berry face cracker Santa is complete! This is going to be the merriest Christmas ever!
Clerk: It’s January.
(Setting: my girlfriend’s aunt’s living room. A football game plays on the television.)
Girlfriend’s cousin’s husband: How ‘bout those Lions?
Me: They are a sports team.
That’s it. That was the entire conversation.
I can’t talk about sports with any knowledge or passion. I don’t have sports opinions. I can just recite broad facts, and at that moment the best I could do was, “The Lions are a sports team.”
After our ultra-manly sports chat I think he just kinda walked away while I pretended to sip from a can of Diet Coke that’d probably been empty for several minutes at that point.
[video]
How to switch back to the Old Gmail: A quick & easy reference
To switch back to the old Gmail, click the gear in the top right corner, then select, “Revert to the old look temporarily.” It’s as easy as that!
Yeah, I know “temporarily” is a little passive-aggressive, but that’s the reality! You need to know that while Google acknowledges your preference for the old Gmail, it’s only going to respect it *temporarily*. You know, like when a bad short order cook says he’ll stop sitting in your food “for a while.” That’s nice, but let’s be realistic: he’s eventually just going to go back to being a dick. (What, you guys don’t talk to the short order cooks who spit in your food? I thought that was a great example.)
And wait, did you click the wrong gear in the top right corner and you still couldn’t find the right link? Make sure you didn’t click the gear with 8 teeth! That one’s got options like “Mail settings.” You want the one with 6 teeth. That’s the one for Inbox settings. (For example, there’s a link for “Settings” but that might not be the same settings as the Mail settings on the 8-teeth gear!)
When learning a new interface, it’s important to figure out which gear icon goes with which settings, and you can do that by counting the teeth. More teeth = more important settings, probably.
How to stop the New Gmail from being so horrifically tall: A Bonus Guide
New Gmail’s advertised as being “cleaner” and “more modern.” That means they took out all the lines, made all the text bigger and bolder, and added way too much goddamn whitespace to everything. But what if you don’t like too much goddamn whitespace?
It turns out, there’s a neat way to dial down the fucking whitespace:
Click the gear in the top right corner (the gear with six teeth, not eight teeth!!!). Look under “Display density.” It should be set to “Comfortable.” You know, because your text needs some room to relax after a long day of you being able to read it. Isn’t that why every book you’ve ever read was printed triple-spaced? Anyway, just click “Compact.”
Congratulations! Now you can scan your inbox without having to vertically scroll so much!
“Hey guys, remember in 2006 when MySpace let you set your background image to any old ugly shit so it was harder to read everything? Let’s bring that back LOL.”
-Google, apparently
I’ve been accused of many things, but this is a first.
I didn’t make this image to disrespect Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I made this image because I love terrible puns.
That, and I’m not good enough at Photoshop to make the Malcolm X-Men.
Let me guess what that special gift is, ProFlowers. Is it flowers? Of course it’s flowers.
How do the people at ProFlowers do it? I mean, what was their sales pitch six months ago? “Get your sweetheart the perfect gift. That’s right. It’s flowers. Love, ProFlowers.” And then at the beginning of summer, it was what? I’m guessing it was something like, “Check it out, these flowers are yellow.” Now we’re going into autumn, and they’re still talking about flowers like we’ve forgotten that flowers exist. When you open that email, it basically just says, “ORANGE FLOWERS!!!” and maybe they got a new type of vase or something.
I think I bought flowers from ProFlowers once. When the flowers arrived at my girlfriend’s office, they came in a long box, and they were frozen. It was like they sent her a failed cryogenic experiment. So, once she freed her cold flowers from their cardboard prison, she had to assemble her own goddamn flowers, and then they died after a couple days. Then she had an empty vase to remind her of the time she got some disappointing flowers, and you can’t just throw away a perfectly good vase, so you know she’s keeping that stupid jerk vase forever. It’s probably sitting in her office right now, like a little failure trophy.
In conclusion, sometimes I get mad at emails.