@tehawesome

A Handy Guide to Purchasing and Serving Goodbye Cake

Today was the first time I ever participated in the purchasing and serving of a colleague’s goodbye cake. It was a learning experience. I shared what I learned in the guide below.

Sometimes coworkers decide to leave the company. What better way to recognize that than with cake? Here are some tips for picking out that perfect cake to say goodbye with:

NOTHING THAT COSTS YOU A FORTUNE. If your company reimburses expenses, get something nice. If your company does not, some regular-ass sheet cake will do. Don’t get a bunch of cupcakes. That’s weird.
NO EXOTIC FLAVORS. If you have to tell people what flavor it is, you just did cake wrong. Keep it simple. Don’t polarize your cake audience with some controversial raspberry nonsense. “Oh, I don’t like fruit in my cake.” Well then I guess you’re going to remember all of us as fancy-cake-eating jerks, then, huh? Chocolate or vanilla, folks. I just saved you a lot of heartbreak. You’re welcome.
NO ICE CREAM CAKES. I’m sorry. Goodbye cakes tend to get left out for a long time. Nobody should have to clean up after a nasty melted ice cream cake. Especially if the person leaving is a beloved custodian retiring after such-and-such years. You’d be saying, “Thanks for your service! Here is a sticky disaster to clean up!” Don’t be that person.
NO ICE CREAM IN GENERAL. You want to wish someone well, not bring in a full goddamn dessert bar. In fact, keep the whole thing simple. This also means no hats, no streamers, no party music. Let this person eat their cake with quiet dignity.
DO NOT BUY A CAKE IF THE PERSON HAS BEEN FIRED. You don’t want that person leaving their final meeting with HR only to find you holding a cake with cursive writing on it, you asshole. Where would you even get a cake that fast?
DO NOT BUY BIRTHDAY CANDLES. Your cake instinct may kick in and tell you to buy candles while you’re buying plastic flatware at the Walgreens near work, but trust me, this is the one time your cake instinct is wrong. What are you going to do, sing to them on their last day? Of course not. So, no candles.
DO NOT CUT THE CAKE YOURSELF. Cutting the cake for a group of people is nightmare. Did you find a sharp knife in your safe, safe office? Did you cut the cake evenly? If you didn’t find some poor sucker to plate the cake for you, did you leave the necessary utensils out for people to get the cake onto a plate? God forbid a crowd forms around you before you could cut it. Enjoy carefully cutting a cake while a dessert-hungry mob watches your every move.
I REPEAT: DO NOT CUT THE CAKE YOURSELF. If you cut it correctly, nobody notices. If you screw it up, you look massively incompetent. Who screws up cutting a cake? That’s simple, right? Only an idiot would screw that up. Never mind the size of the cake, or the speed with which you’re expected to expertly section that fucker. You’ll wish you just blended the whole thing into a mush and scooped it into bowls. Christ. Delegate any cake cutting to someone with serious cake experience and save yourself the trouble.
LEAVE THE CAKE IN THE BREAK ROOM ONLY AFTER THE PEOPLE YOU LIKE HAVE HAD SOME. Don’t serve the cake in the break room! Find a neutral spot in your own area, like an abandoned cubicle or something. Don’t move it to the break room until you’re done with it. The break room is like a big dumpster where you can leave food for all the coworkers you don’t know (who may as well be raccoons). Have at it, you scavengers!

I hope you found this guide to goodbye cake helpful. I learned a lot today, and I hope you have, too.