teh tumblr

Duke couldn’t finish his walk tonight when his paws got...

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 23:16:00 -0600

Duke couldn’t finish his walk tonight when his paws got too cold for him to walk. I went out and bought him little boots to help fix that.

It took me about 10 minutes to get them on his feet. I set him down and he immediately fell over. Then he just sat there because come on, these boots are slippery, dude.

I got him to stumble into the kitchen by waving a dog treat at him. Once he’d made his way over to me, he did his only trick: he sat upright. With his boots on he looks like an awkward little gentleman.

How do you do? I am Monsieur Slippy Boots. I will now degrade myself for a treat and a tummy rub. Au revoir!

I’ve said before that music videos are one of my favorite...

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 21:25:38 -0600

I’ve said before that music videos are one of my favorite media because they allow a person to take one great idea and just go completely bonkers with it.

That said, this video does exactly that, and it’s wonderfully goofy.

BONUS: There’s an HD version on YouTube so click through what are you doing stop reading this GO GO GO!!!

Hey guys. I got a dog. His name is Duke. He’s an...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:39:59 -0600

Hey guys. I got a dog. His name is Duke. He’s an eight-year-old Pekingese.

His two favorite things are naps and smells.

Drewmo made this. Sometimes I make the same face in different...

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 15:59:00 -0600

Drewmo made this. Sometimes I make the same face in different photos and he found some of them on Facebook and put them into a gif. Holy crap is this great.

When you introduce people, you should tell them what they have in common

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:07:32 -0600

“HEY, YOU SHOULD BE FRIENDS WITH THIS LADY.”

“Facebook, I don’t know her.”

“YES BUT TRY IT.”

“You can’t even tell me what we have in common.”

“LOOK AT HER! FRIENDS NOW?”

“I can’t see her profile picture, and I’ve never heard of her.”

“YEAH BUT ISN’T HER NAME PRETTY?”

“It’s like you’re not even trying.”

“LET’S TAKE OUR SHIRTS OFF AND PLAY FARMVILLE.”

“I’m logging out now.”

“HEY THIS LADY HAS VOWELS IN HER NAME TOO. FRIENDS?”

Reporting live, from the scene

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:40:41 -0600

With the new Twilight movie opening tonight it’s certainly a “vampire weekend!” Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma? Certainly not New Moon fans, as the books are written at about a fourth grade reading level. Back to you in the studio, Greg.

First rule of making a Skynet

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:47:23 -0600

If you program an all-seeing robot dictator to enslave humanity, make sure to not give it any feelings so that it doesn’t get sad when people all over the world make fun of its mustache.

(Also, don’t give it a mustache.)

Here are the notes I was talking about in yesterday’s...

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:17:00 -0600

Here are the notes I was talking about in yesterday’s post. It’s just a screenshot of a text file, but it tells the story of a man descending into madness.

The message I smuggled out of my own subconscious

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:03:00 -0600

I had a long night last night. I took a day off of work to work on a school project and I never got around to sleeping. I’ve been awake since yesterday morning.

I am tired today. I am also at work. And I was recently in a meeting. And during that meeting I was kind of, sort of, nodding off. Maybe.

And then I, while sitting at my laptop, began drifting away to the vivid dreamscapes of my own mind. Feeling my grip on reality slipping, I willed myself to transmit the wonder and magic of my own subconscious through my fingertips and into my computer as I slowly faded away.

Seconds later I was startled awake, mid-serious-work-discussion, and I read what I had smuggled out of the land of dreams.

“Dynamic vs.tus omepage? Fiendmaking and in pajamas.”

…yep.

Something excellent was happening in my brain, and I’ll never know what it was. Dang.

The Larry King movie review quotation game

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 10:37:09 -0600

Commercials for the apparently subpar movie The Fourth Kind were airing on TV last week and I heard a promotional quote that made me laugh at loud.

“This is close encounters of the fourth kind!” -Larry King

Really, Larry King? In a review about a movie called The Fourth Kind you make a pun that references the same movie as the title of the movie you’re reviewing? It’s like he didn’t understand the movie’s title. “It’s probably called The Fourth Kind for some other reason but there’s this other thing that has “the third kind” in its title so I’ll put the two together!!!”

Now, rather than continue to trash Larry King, I think we can turn this into a game. Let’s write promotional quotes for movies in the style of Larry King. The rules are simple: Ignore any cleverness in a movie’s title and then get excited about it!!!

“This is a great Toy Story about some toys!”

“There’s an Inconvenient Truth about all this global warming!”

“It’s a Jurassic Park of dinosaurs!”

Who else wants to play?

"…a pay cable franchise temporarily masquerading as a Turing test."

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 10:48:59 -0600

““…a pay cable franchise temporarily masquerading as a Turing test.””

- -Merlin, articulating things better than I can… FOR NOW.

(cut to training montage of me quietly reading and writing)

Linda and the Comcastic Turing Test

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 10:39:00 -0600

I used to play Turing Test with Comcast chat support. The people on there always give canned responses, most likely for efficiency, and sometimes they come off as robots. So I would pretend that they’re all part of an elaborate artificial intelligence program, evolving over time to be able to not only answer every possible question a person could ask, but to come off as human so people don’t get frustrated that their concerns were entrusted to a robot. It’s not too far-fetched an idea, and debating whether a response was more likely from a human or a clever robot helped keep me amused.

I’d smile whenever they talked about how their (supposed) day was going. “Well played, Robot. Humans love small talk,” I’d think. Or if I said my problem was x, and they said “I understand that your problem is x,” but they typed “you’re problem” instead, I’d think about how flaws are really the best way for a computer to pass as a human, and how the artificial intelligence program is progressing nicely.

And then Linda ruined everything.

Last week I got some guy/robot named Rizande, and he helped me with some stuff, but his grammar was perfect and his responses were formulaic. “I will be glad to assist you with your concern.” “I am sorry to hear about your connection problems, Henry.” Canned replies. How dull. Rizande must’ve been an early model chat robot, assigned to basic problems due to his lack of human-like flaws written into his robo-brain. Anyway, he did what he could during our brief chat, then he passed me along to the Internet department.

Enter Linda.

Linda was great. She said things like:

Linda > By the way, I apologize if you waited for quite some time in order for you to chat with us.

This type of stuff was exciting to read. It showed empathy, and that she was willing to pause the conversation to say something polite. But she slipped up a bit, too.

Linda > Since when has this issue happened,
Linda > Since when has this issue happened, Henry?

If she was a robot, then she was written to appear friendly and to make just the right amount of little mistakes to pass herself off as a real person. She continued helping me troubleshoot while we made small talk and I reconsidered her humanity/robotany with every message she sent me. Then she had to wait while her computer pulled up some information and there was a lull in cable-related conversation.

Linda > Please give me a few moments to pull up your account and to review it as well.
Linda > So, how have you been doing today?
Henry_ > Eh, not well. Busy with school and work. Feeling kinda overwhelmed.
Henry_ > This is probably the least stressful part of my day.
Henry_ > How about you?
Linda > Oh I see. That sounds better than having nothing to do at all.
Linda > Oh great, then you’re off to a well-deserved rest afterwards.
Linda > I am doing well. but I am kind of worried. My daughter’s in the hospital. I hope she’ll be better soon.

…

Okay, everybody out of the pool. Let’s shut this Turing Test down. Nothing to see here. Just a very sad woman trying to fix my stupid cable. Jesus Christ.

I don’t think they’re allowed to say that, are they? There’s no way. “STAFF GUIDELINES: Do not share tragic news with the customer. Not even if there’s a conversational lull. DO NOT MENTION HOSPITALS.” Fuck. Not that you could anticipate that when writing an employee handbook, but DAMN. Poor Linda. I wished her and her daughter luck, then went back to troubleshooting my Internet connection like a selfish, healthy prick.

I haven’t had to contact Comcast’s help chat since my interaction with Linda, but I think it’ll be harder to debate whether everyone’s part of an elaborate AI program next time. I don’t think I’ll be able to pretend people are robots after getting ambushed by that type of raw humanity. Not for a long time.

EPILOGUE

Comcast’s Customer Service Director sits at his computer late in the evening, brainstorming ways he could improve Comcast’s online chat service. “Our chat support staffers come across as so robotic. If only there were a way to make them seem more human,” he thinks. He tries googling to solve his problem, and finds an intriguing blog post about a support tech named Linda. He leans forward, stroking his chin.

Later…

His cable was having issues again, so mild-mannered intergalactic bear wrestler Henry Birdseye takes a break to contact his cable provider’s online chat support.

Eunice > Hello Henry.
Eunice > Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support.
Eunice > My name is Eunice, and my daughter is in the hospital.

“NOOOOOOooooooo!” he shouts, and also types into the chat box for good measure.

Henry > NOOOOOOooooooo!
Henry > What the hell did you just type?
Eunice > It sounds like your problem requires more help. Allow me to transfer you to another analyst.
Terrence > Hello Henry. My name is Terrence. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Henry > Oh thank god you’re normal.
Henry > My cable is having problems.
Terrence > I will be glad to assist you with your concern.
Terrence > RIGHT AFTER MY DAUGHTER GETS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL.
Henry > NOOOOOOooooooo!

Nice try, Arby’s.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:29:51 -0600

Nice try, Arby’s.

“HEY, I MOVED THIS STUFF FOR YOU.” “Put it back.” “AND THEN I MADE...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 09:29:17 -0600

“HEY, I MOVED THIS STUFF FOR YOU.”

“Put it back.”

“AND THEN I MADE THIS BIG.”

“I didn’t ask for that.”

“I AM HELPING.”

“Please stop.”

Every day is Take Your Child to Work Day when you’re using Microsoft Word.

Ad guy 1: Ok, so there’s this lady, right? And she wrote...

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 22:49:00 -0500

Ad guy 1: Ok, so there’s this lady, right? And she wrote a murder mystery and in Hollywood and she kinda looks like a bird and she needs a book slogan.

Ad guy 2: She looks like a bird? What does that have to do with anything?

Ad guy 1: Well apparently she’s popular and she needs to show her face in the ad. But her face is silly because of its birdlike features! Our slogan needs to take that into account.

Ad guy 2: Ok. How about “Hollywood Murder: Don’t look at bird face!”

Ad guy 1: Hmmm. Not bad. It tells everyone what the book’s about. But I think by mentioning her bird face you make people look at it.

Ad guy 2: Fine. “Someone’s been murdered! CAW 9-11!”

Ad guy 1: Again. The bird thing.

Ad guy 2: Right. Sorry.

Ad guy 1: Her feathery hair really is a problem, isn’t it?

Ad guy 2: Why would someone put so much effort into looking like a bird?

Ad guy 1: Because that’s preferable to looking like an old lady?

Ad guy 2: Touché.

Ad guy 1: Ok, we need to wrap this up. Hollywood murder. No birds allowed. Go.

Ad guy 2: LIGHTS. CAMERA. MURDER.

Ad guy 1: Oh, I get it. You replaced “action” with “murder.” Christ. That’s so bad I just got hemorrhoids.

Ad guy 2: Well then let’s go buy some ass ointment with our sweet new paycheck for hiding a lady’s horrible birdface with shitty wordplay!

Ad guy 1: Now we can only hope some guy will photograph that ad and tell our story in a blog post. That, and these hemorrhoids go away. But mostly the blog thing.

Operation: Be A Best Man was a success.

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 22:32:48 -0500

Operation: Be A Best Man was a success.

“In 1936, Berlin hosted the summer Olympic games, which were opened by Hitler and...

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 21:24:00 -0500

“In 1936, Berlin hosted the summer Olympic games, which were opened by Hitler and choreographed to demonstrate Aryan superiority over all other races, achieving mixed results.”

-the Wikipedia page for Adolf Hitler

“Achieving mixed results”?! That’s your best wording, Series of Anal-Retentive Wikipedia Authors? I read that and I imagine a crowd reacting to an intensely racist performance by shrugging and saying things like “I really liked what Hitler had to say about Aryans” or, conversely, “I did not care for Hitler’s Aryan superiority display.” All of it said with the same level of conviction as if they were walking out of a mediocre film. “Bruce Almighty wasn’t all that good. And Aryans! Meh.”

Another thing I like about that sentence is the word “choreographed” is just two words away from “Hitler.” Like he choreographed it himself, clapping along as his troupe of Aryan breakdancers rehearsed a routine that would ~~win the big dance competition~~ show off how great white people are. “We must make them see how good we are at choreographed dance! When we lay down a cardboard box and spin on our heads, they must know that in my brilliant dance propaganda metaphor, we are the breakdancers, and they are the cardboard box!” And maybe Hitler’s wearing a little scarf or something.

This sentence makes an event that foreshadowed a terrible man’s ultimate intentions sound like a scene from Waiting for Guffman.

The other day I found this on my way home. Do you know what...

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 23:20:00 -0500

The other day I found this on my way home. Do you know what this is? I’ll tell you what this is. It’s horses. At least a half dozen of them. What the hell.

I’m not surprised at the idea of horses. I’ve seen horses before. They’re not shocking. Clippity clop, clippity clop, eat a carrot. Whatever. But I live in Chicago, less than a couple miles from downtown. And I just found some horses, fenced in and unattended in an empty lot, about a block south of the Sedgwick Brown Line stop.

How would they get in this empty lot? It wasn’t an empty lot for horses. A sign said it was the future site of some condos. So I was thinking, alright, horses are always pooping, so maybe they’re there to fertilize the lot? But condos don’t grow like corn does. A building doesn’t just sprout up from the soil like a big sunflower. So what the hell. These horses are pooping for nothing.

But that still doesn’t explain how they got there. In an unsafe neighborhood, no less! Crime reports mention this neighborhood has recently had acts of domestic battery and armed robbery, yet there isn’t a single act of criminal horse abandonment on record.

It takes a lot to move into a tough neighborhood. These horses have balls. (And I’m not just saying that because they were just dangling there while the horses walked around and pooped.) But when these horses came to the big city to live out their horse dreams, the leader horse probably said “Will we give up?” and of course the other horses answered “Nay!” So they stuck around, determined to live out their dreams near downtown Chicago, in an empty lot, across the street from the projects.

Big city horses: an urban mystery.

Sure, Chicago spent millions of dollars on its Olympic bid, and...

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 11:57:30 -0500

Sure, Chicago spent millions of dollars on its Olympic bid, and people all over America are upset, and the fact that this was such a polarizing issue makes this a pretty tense time for Chicago residents, but on the upside, LOOK AT THIS GUY’S FACE. LOOK AT IT.

What if this were all an elaborate plan set in motion to get this guy make that face so that this photo could happen? What if some future man, with his knowledge of the past and all the variables that had to be just right for this face to happen, put years of effort into time travel and planning just so that guy could make that awesome face and we could all laugh and laugh, because holy crap look at how hilariously sad he looks! If that’s the case, time well spent, Future Guy With Too Much Time On His Hands. My hat is off to you.

Spam Pro Tip

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 11:50:29 -0500

Why are so many spam emails from “me”? Like I’d forget I sent myself an email about boner pills? At least try saying it’s from “me (from the future).”

“Past Me, I have an urgent message for you! And it’s about your boners! Click the link below!”