11 8 / 2014

Yesterday i overheard a guy who looked really upset tell someone over the phone, “She keeps snapchatting all these random dudes.” He was shaking his head. He looked so distraught.

"i’m insecure that a girl i’m seeing is sending single-view photos and videos to several other men" is what he was saying. "She is mass-distributing temporary content to other suitors," he basically lamented.

We live in the weirdest future.

And flirting in the future now involves sending very fleeting messages. They self-destruct, like Mission Impossible assignments, only the mission is flirting. “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to totally like this cute selfie i just sent you ;-)

The photo’s recipients don’t know who else got them, too. Like who else got that leggy photo of you in the dark? Just one person, or “all these random dudes” too? They don’t know. They’ll never know. Because it’s the future and everything is worse-defined than ever before. Like yeah you’re Facebook friends but are you real friends? Was that a real date or just a hangout? Why doesn’t anyone respond to my texts? i know you got the fucking text, debra. turn read receipts off if you didn’t want me to know, for fuck’s sake

19 7 / 2014

The comments section for any sponsored post on Facebook is basically an open mic. Have fun with it.

(Source: facebook.com)

17 7 / 2014

hello, my little ravioli dippers. i am still a bad person

hello, my little ravioli dippers. i am still a bad person

(Source: facebook.com)

24 6 / 2014

Bacon and cheese, am I right, Facebook? happy hour is a time for laughs

[more Birds Eye posts]

(Source: facebook.com)

05 6 / 2014

Quick reminder: my great-grandfather founded this company

02 4 / 2014

There are a few things I’ve learned from commenting on the Birds Eye Vegetables Facebook page:

  • People love answering dumb questions. Over 900 people responded to the above post, all of them saying something like “pepper.” It’s like some wealthy lunatic asked, “How could I get hundreds of people to all type ‘pepper’ onto the internet like an absurdist art project?” And here we are, I guess.
  • Birds Eye Vegetables only Likes right answers. See that second screenshot? Do you see the two utter losers with no Likes? That’s because Birds Eye only rewards winners. “Orange pepper”? Have a Like! “Red bell pepper”? LikeTown, Population: You! “Cantalope”? Are you kidding me? Go fuck yourself, idiot.
  • Birds Eye will benevolently chime in to give the right answer if someone isn’t sure. And then people will reply to that reply, because nobody can stop Facebook commenters from shouting “pepper” all over this thread. They see that comment box and they think, “Oh look, a text box! I have to type pepper into that thing!!!”
  • Nobody in the Birds Eye thread really talks to other people, so I feel free to leave multiple comments now. Birds Eye never responds, and other people pretty much just type “red pepper” and continue on with their very important schedules. So, when all comments are viewed chronologically, I look like someone having an argument with an unrelenting army of people who only type “pepper” into comment boxes. I’m basically Neo fighting wave after wave of machines outside the Matrix, only instead of doing kung fu I’m talking about pumpkins a lot.
  • And lastly, this isn’t a thing I learned, really, but I appreciated Nick openly disagreeing with Our Lord and Master Birds Eye Vegetables re: whether that pepper is a pumpkin. I only hope the Birds Eye Facebook page admin is half as amused as we are, but sometimes I imagine some 80s cartoon villain smashing his metal fist against his big desk and shouting, “Curses! They called it a pumpkin again!”

01 4 / 2014

Oh no they didn’t.
(Clarence is my great-grandfather.)

Oh no they didn’t.

(Clarence is my great-grandfather.)

28 1 / 2014

Word to the guy who told the people selling carrots that he hates carrots

(Source: facebook.com)

17 1 / 2014

I’m a monster.

I’m a monster.

(Source: facebook.com)

03 1 / 2014

My great-grandfather Clarence Birdseye founded the Birds Eye Frozen Food Company in 1923. Then in 1929 he sold it to what later became the General Foods Corporation. More recently, however, Birds Eye got a Facebook page and now I leave stupid comments on their posts for some reason.
(Here are other posts where I’ve left dumb comments)

My great-grandfather Clarence Birdseye founded the Birds Eye Frozen Food Company in 1923. Then in 1929 he sold it to what later became the General Foods Corporation. More recently, however, Birds Eye got a Facebook page and now I leave stupid comments on their posts for some reason.

(Here are other posts where I’ve left dumb comments)

(Source: slacktory)

22 8 / 2013

Seriously. Every time.

Seriously. Every time.

19 8 / 2013

New feature request
I’m mostly joking here, but it wouldn’t be the worst idea.
A baby photo is just another piece of content that’s really common to see in a Facebook feed these days. And just like I can say “I don’t want to see game invites from anyone” or “I don’t want to see any photos from Steve in particular”, I’d like to be able to say “I don’t want to see any babies” or “I don’t want to see any babies posted by Stephanie.” Maybe I’m not in a baby mood, or maybe Stephanie’s just got an ugly baby. But it’s metadata, and that helps people find new stuff they like and avoid stuff they don’t.
Which would mean that if this became a thing, there’d be actions next to every photo like “Flag as baby.” And the following prompt would go “Is this a baby?” and you’d click either “Yes, it’s a baby” or “False alarm, it’s just a bald old man.”
And of course this could apply to other posts that people complain about. For example, I post dog photos because I have dogs and I like my dogs. But if you hate dogs, then fine, let me label my dog photos as dog photos. That way I can find my dog photos better, and you don’t have to look at my dogs. And of course, more flagging options: “Flag as dog?” -> “Yes, that’s a dog” or “Never mind, it’s just a brown wig.”
And before anyone recommends it: I tried Unbaby.me, the browser plugin that hides baby photos, and it’s very clever. It uses an amazing list of keywords, not some sophisticated photo detection algorithm, so it’s really only catching photos where someone wrote a caption like “This is my big boy!” or “My little princess!” It’ll also block any post that uses the word “toesies” which is just perfect.

New feature request

I’m mostly joking here, but it wouldn’t be the worst idea.

A baby photo is just another piece of content that’s really common to see in a Facebook feed these days. And just like I can say “I don’t want to see game invites from anyone” or “I don’t want to see any photos from Steve in particular”, I’d like to be able to say “I don’t want to see any babies” or “I don’t want to see any babies posted by Stephanie.” Maybe I’m not in a baby mood, or maybe Stephanie’s just got an ugly baby. But it’s metadata, and that helps people find new stuff they like and avoid stuff they don’t.

Which would mean that if this became a thing, there’d be actions next to every photo like “Flag as baby.” And the following prompt would go “Is this a baby?” and you’d click either “Yes, it’s a baby” or “False alarm, it’s just a bald old man.”

And of course this could apply to other posts that people complain about. For example, I post dog photos because I have dogs and I like my dogs. But if you hate dogs, then fine, let me label my dog photos as dog photos. That way I can find my dog photos better, and you don’t have to look at my dogs. And of course, more flagging options: “Flag as dog?” -> “Yes, that’s a dog” or “Never mind, it’s just a brown wig.”

And before anyone recommends it: I tried Unbaby.me, the browser plugin that hides baby photos, and it’s very clever. It uses an amazing list of keywords, not some sophisticated photo detection algorithm, so it’s really only catching photos where someone wrote a caption like “This is my big boy!” or “My little princess!” It’ll also block any post that uses the word “toesies” which is just perfect.

12 8 / 2013

One more.
Previously

One more.

Previously

(Source: facebook.com)

12 8 / 2013

Meanwhile, on the Birds Eye Vegetables Facebook page:

Susan is leaving a comment about green beans for Susan, and the only person who likes it is herself (Susan). What.

What’s happening here? Are we all watching this Facebook admin have a very confusing conversation with herself? Just, what the hell, people. 

Also, I’ve started leaving aggressively stupid comments on Birds Eye’s Facebook posts. Partly because it’s horribly condescending, and partly because my last name is actually Birdseye and I wonder if people will think I’m somehow affiliated with the company. (Of course, I’m not, but my great grandfather did found the company.)

26 4 / 2013

Every fan page post is an opportunity to leave a really stupid comment to amuse yourself.
(FYI Thief is a game, not a dude.)

Every fan page post is an opportunity to leave a really stupid comment to amuse yourself.

(FYI Thief is a game, not a dude.)