@tehawesome

Ad guy 1: The TSA gave us a job. They want the public to see them as more like people, and less like terrible assholes.
Ad guy 2: Why?
Ad guy 1: Because they don’t want people to be afraid of them.
Ad guy 2: Then why don’t they do something about the terrible assholes that ARE in the TSA? Wouldn’t that be easier?
Ad guy 1: No, no. They just want a few posters where people in TSA uniforms list their hobbies and then we say something about how they follow protocol so everyone is safe.
Ad guy 2: So I’ll feel safer if I know that some dude in a TSA uniform likes model trains?
Ad guy 1: Basically, yeah.
Ad guy 2: Okay, that’s fine. I think we should mostly show old people in the TSA outfits.
Ad guy 1: Why?
Ad guy 2: Because it’s easier to like an old person. Old people can look weak, but dignified.
Ad guy 1: So why not a young person?
Ad guy 2: Because when you show a young person smiling, they can look like a smug little shit. People don’t like the idea that inexperienced young people will be the ones bossing them around. So, we should only show old people.
Ad guy 1: Not even, like, a young guy, but he’s super depressed? “Gary works for the TSA, and he’s not happy bossing you around, but he does it because he has to. He doesn’t make that much money, and he cries himself to sleep every night.”
Ad guy 2: I don’t think crying is something we should list as a hobby.
Ad guy 1: What about crying… and bowling?
Ad guy 2: Nah. He still might come off as braggy. “Look at me, I have all these problems but I still get to yell at you to take your belt off! Check out how young I am!”
Ad guy 1: Okay, fine. Nobody under 40 gets a poster. So, let’s spitball what a poster could say. Remember, these people have to look relateable. We’re humanizing them. They’re real people, and they’re not out to get you.
Ad guy 2: Sure.
Ad guy 1: We show an older white guy. He has glasses and a gentle smile, like the way your grandfather might look. Then under his face we write, “Ben is a Transportation Security Manager. He enjoys mixed-media art and NASCAR. He reads classical literature, and he lost his virginity to a prostitute during a trip to Europe when he was 27. He keeps you safe by following TSA guideli-“
Ad guy 2: Wait. Repeat that last part.
Ad guy 1: Classical literature? I thought it’d make him seem sophisticated. You know, like how you seem really smart if you’re into boring crap that nobody likes.
Ad guy 2: No, the part about his virginity.
Ad guy 1: Oh, right. I thought he should be a late bloomer. You know, so he seems humble. Maybe you feel sorry for him a little bit. It’s very humanizing.
Ad guy 2: Yes, but maybe it’s a little inappropriate? I mean, we’re talking about his sex life here.
Ad guy 1: That’s what’s so great about it! It’s taboo, but just like all of us, he has sex!
Ad guy 2: With a prostitute.
Ad guy 1: Yeah, but it’s legal in parts of Europe! I thought that was clear.
Ad guy 2: I’m sure it is, but I don’t think we need to talk about his sex life.
Ad guy 1: What if we took out the prostitute part and just put a cold sore on his lip?
Ad guy 2: No.
Ad guy 1: Just asking!
Ad guy 2: Here, let me try now.
Ad guy 1: Good. Remember, they have to be non-threatening. Old, but dignified. And no herpes.
Ad guy 2: We show an elderly Hispanic woman, and she looks very sweet, like she could live down the street from you. Then under her we write, “Maria works hard for the TSA. She has three children, she’s a member of the PTA, and in her off-hours she works part-time at an Arby’s, where she sneaks unfinished food home to her children. Maria wears a bulletproof vest to stay safe.” Oh, and maybe there’s soot on her face.
Ad guy 1: Hmmm. That one has some problems.
Ad guy 2: Like what?
Ad guy 1: Like she’s feeding her children stolen food.
Ad guy 2: She’s living a life of quiet dignity! It doesn’t get much more non-threatening than that! And the food’s unfinished, not stolen. If anything, it’s more like she’s feeding her children garbage.
Ad guy 1: Well, she doesn’t need soot on her face.
Ad guy 2: Why? Isn’t that humanizing? Here’s this woman who sifts through dumpsters for her children, and the soot tells you she’s definitely in abject poverty and not just, ya know, a bit of a cheapskate. Don’t you want to just give her a hug?
Ad guy 1: Yes, but that doesn’t make me feel safe.
Ad guy 2: She’s wearing a bulletproof vest!
Ad guy 1: Yes, but why? Pointing out her bulletproof vest only makes other people feel UNsafe. They don’t have bulletproof vests. Why does she need one?
Ad guy 2: Because she’s brave?
Ad guy 1: Wearing a bulletproof vest doesn’t necessarily make you brave.
Ad guy 2: Then, like, there are bullets in her bulletproof vest. And she’s holding a terrorist’s severed head.
Ad guy 1: I don’t think a severed head is going to make people feel safe.
Ad guy 2: What’s not safe about a severed head? It’s not like it’s going to get you! Unless it’s a zombie terrorist head and, like, it’s biting at you. Which it isn’t. Unless you want the head to be a zombi-
Ad guy 1: NOPE.
Ad guy 2: Ok, so maybe for every one of these posters we just show an old person with some old person hobbies, and we spin that into a narrative about how this crack team of senior citizens is saving America? I think people waiting in line at the airport will get the message if they just see old TSA employees with stern looks on their faces.
Ad guy 1: Yeah, stern’s good. Being stern says, “I’m mean, but it’s for your own good!” Like in the old days when teachers were allowed to hit kids! That made some great kids.
Ad guy 2: Perfect. We’ve got this.
Ad guy 1: You’re welcome, America.
Ad guy 2: Let’s go to lunch.