Ad guy 1: The TSA gave us a job. They want the public to see them as more like people, and less like terrible assholes.
Ad guy 2: Why?
Ad guy 1: Because they don’t want people to be afraid of them.
Ad guy 2: Then why don’t they do something about the terrible assholes that ARE in the TSA? Wouldn’t that be easier?
Ad guy 1: No, no. They just want a few posters where people in TSA uniforms list their hobbies and then we say something about how they follow protocol so everyone is safe.
Ad guy 2: So I’ll feel safer if I know that some dude in a TSA uniform likes model trains?
Ad guy 1: Basically, yeah.
Ad guy 2: Okay, that’s fine. I think we should mostly show old people in the TSA outfits.
Ad guy 1: Why?
Ad guy 2: Because it’s easier to like an old person. Old people can look weak, but dignified.
Ad guy 1: So why not a young person?
Ad guy 2: Because when you show a young person smiling, they can look like a smug little shit. People don’t like the idea that inexperienced young people will be the ones bossing them around. So, we should only show old people.
Ad guy 1: Not even, like, a young guy, but he’s super depressed? “Gary works for the TSA, and he’s not happy bossing you around, but he does it because he has to. He doesn’t make that much money, and he cries himself to sleep every night.”
Ad guy 2: I don’t think crying is something we should list as a hobby.
Ad guy 1: What about crying… and bowling?
Ad guy 2: Nah. He still might come off as braggy. “Look at me, I have all these problems but I still get to yell at you to take your belt off! Check out how young I am!”
Ad guy 1: Okay, fine. Nobody under 40 gets a poster. So, let’s spitball what a poster could say. Remember, these people have to look relateable. We’re humanizing them. They’re real people, and they’re not out to get you.
Ad guy 2: Sure.
Ad guy 1: We show an older white guy. He has glasses and a gentle smile, like the way your grandfather might look. Then under his face we write, “Ben is a Transportation Security Manager. He enjoys mixed-media art and NASCAR. He reads classical literature, and he lost his virginity to a prostitute during a trip to Europe when he was 27. He keeps you safe by following TSA guideli-“
Ad guy 2: Wait. Repeat that last part.
Ad guy 1: Classical literature? I thought it’d make him seem sophisticated. You know, like how you seem really smart if you’re into boring crap that nobody likes.
Ad guy 2: No, the part about his virginity.
Ad guy 1: Oh, right. I thought he should be a late bloomer. You know, so he seems humble. Maybe you feel sorry for him a little bit. It’s very humanizing.
Ad guy 2: Yes, but maybe it’s a little inappropriate? I mean, we’re talking about his sex life here.
Ad guy 1: That’s what’s so great about it! It’s taboo, but just like all of us, he has sex!
Ad guy 2: With a prostitute.
Ad guy 1: Yeah, but it’s legal in parts of Europe! I thought that was clear.
Ad guy 2: I’m sure it is, but I don’t think we need to talk about his sex life.
Ad guy 1: What if we took out the prostitute part and just put a cold sore on his lip?
Ad guy 2: No.
Ad guy 1: Just asking!
Ad guy 2: Here, let me try now.
Ad guy 1: Good. Remember, they have to be non-threatening. Old, but dignified. And no herpes.
Ad guy 2: We show an elderly Hispanic woman, and she looks very sweet, like she could live down the street from you. Then under her we write, “Maria works hard for the TSA. She has three children, she’s a member of the PTA, and in her off-hours she works part-time at an Arby’s, where she sneaks unfinished food home to her children. Maria wears a bulletproof vest to stay safe.” Oh, and maybe there’s soot on her face.
Ad guy 1: Hmmm. That one has some problems.
Ad guy 2: Like what?
Ad guy 1: Like she’s feeding her children stolen food.
Ad guy 2: She’s living a life of quiet dignity! It doesn’t get much more non-threatening than that! And the food’s unfinished, not stolen. If anything, it’s more like she’s feeding her children garbage.
Ad guy 1: Well, she doesn’t need soot on her face.
Ad guy 2: Why? Isn’t that humanizing? Here’s this woman who sifts through dumpsters for her children, and the soot tells you she’s definitely in abject poverty and not just, ya know, a bit of a cheapskate. Don’t you want to just give her a hug?
Ad guy 1: Yes, but that doesn’t make me feel safe.
Ad guy 2: She’s wearing a bulletproof vest!
Ad guy 1: Yes, but why? Pointing out her bulletproof vest only makes other people feel UNsafe. They don’t have bulletproof vests. Why does she need one?
Ad guy 2: Because she’s brave?
Ad guy 1: Wearing a bulletproof vest doesn’t necessarily make you brave.
Ad guy 2: Then, like, there are bullets in her bulletproof vest. And she’s holding a terrorist’s severed head.
Ad guy 1: I don’t think a severed head is going to make people feel safe.
Ad guy 2: What’s not safe about a severed head? It’s not like it’s going to get you! Unless it’s a zombie terrorist head and, like, it’s biting at you. Which it isn’t. Unless you want the head to be a zombi-
Ad guy 1: NOPE.
Ad guy 2: Ok, so maybe for every one of these posters we just show an old person with some old person hobbies, and we spin that into a narrative about how this crack team of senior citizens is saving America? I think people waiting in line at the airport will get the message if they just see old TSA employees with stern looks on their faces.
Ad guy 1: Yeah, stern’s good. Being stern says, “I’m mean, but it’s for your own good!” Like in the old days when teachers were allowed to hit kids! That made some great kids.
Ad guy 2: Perfect. We’ve got this.
Ad guy 1: You’re welcome, America.
Ad guy 2: Let’s go to lunch.
Ad guy 1: We’ve got this campaign for an apartment website where we show how quirky people found apartments.
Ad guy 2: Sounds cheeky.
Ad guy 1: It is! We show a person, then list their interesting job, then their cool hobby, then the neighborhood where they found their apartment.
Ad guy 2: Sounds clever enough.
Ad guy 1: It is. But I have a question for you. Our copy department suggested we call this guy a “Chatroulette addict.” What’s Chatroulette?
Ad guy 2: I don’t know. It’s probably just a hip website that will always be popular. Like a Facebook or whatever.
Ad guy 1: Okay, that’s good. I was worried.
Ad guy 2: Worried?
Ad guy 1: Yeah. I know Chatroulette is a cool website to reference, especially because we’re marketing to people in their 20s and those people love seeing the names of websites on things, but I’d also heard that Chatroulette is a website where dudes anonymously masturbate in front of web cams.
Ad guy 2: What?!
Ad guy 1: I know, right? Why would that be a popular thing?
Ad guy 2: I don’t know! Who would log on to a website to look at dudes masturbating?
Ad guy 1: It doesn’t make any sense! Nobody wants to see dudes masturbating! That’s gross!
Ad guy 2: Agreed. That is a horrible thing and I refuse to believe it is true.
Ad guy 1: Okay, so you think this copy is fine, then?
Ad guy 2: Huh?
Ad guy 1: This copy, calling this guy a Chatroulette addict. We’re not telling everyone he just masturbates in front of web cams all day, are we?
Ad guy 2: Absolutely not.
Ad guy 1: I was afraid that people would think this guy’s satisfied grin just looked creepy instead. Like we’re saying, “You know what he just did? It was gross. And you can’t see it but he’s definitely not wearing pants.”
Ad guy 2: “It”?
Ad guy 1: Never mind that! Are we certain Chatroulette will always be a relevant website, and that it’ll never get associated with creepy perverts masturbating in front of web cams?
Ad guy 2: Of course! This bus advertisement will never, ever look ridiculous to people who know what Chatroulette is.
Ad guy 1: We are so good at this. Let’s go to lunch!
Ad guy 2: We make important decisions! Let’s eat steak!
Ad guy 1: You know those inspirational books… Chicken Soup for the Soul? Only, there’s a whole bunch of different souls that get chicken soup?
Ad guy 2: Yeah. I’m looking at the list you brought. Chicken Soup for the Teen Soul. Well, that makes sense. Teens are angsty. Chicken Soup for the Prisoner Soul. Sure. Think it out, prisoner. Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul. Wait, what? This list just devolves into nonsense. These Chicken Soup people just don’t care anymore.
Ad guy 1: Right. And now they want to make a dog food.
Ad guy 2: You mean, a dog food that inspires you?
Ad guy 1: No, just a dog food that is food. For your dog.
Ad guy 2: Why, exactly?
Ad guy 1: Because the Chicken Soup people think dog owners aren’t inspired enough.
Ad guy 2: I… haven’t really thought about that statement. That is a very weird thing to want to make a product about.
Ad guy 1: Right. But it’s just dry food. So what’s on the box?
Ad guy 2: Let’s just stick to the format. “Chicken Soup for the Dog Lover’s Soul.”
Ad guy 1: Won’t people think the bag of food contains chicken soup for a person? It’s actually dry food for a dog. Soup for a human is very different from pellets for a dog.
Ad guy 2: Can you put the dog food in water and make chicken soup?
Ad guy 1: I don’t think so.
Ad guy 2: It’s almost like naming your food product after an entirely different food is a bad idea.
Ad guy 1: But this is all about inspiring people! People who buy food for their dogs aren’t inspired enough. Apparently.
Ad guy 2: Can we print inspirational stuff on the food itself? Like, you pour the dog food, but then you read it first because it has little motivational essays on it, and then you feed it to your dog?
Ad guy 1: People will read a lot of things, but I don’t think people are going to read food. But I like where your head’s at!
Ad guy 2: So how about we show a lady looking at her dog and she looks very… inspired? Is that even a look you can have on your face?
Ad guy 1: How about a lady is just smiling at her dog?
Ad guy 2: Well then what’s the dog doing?
Ad guy 1: Maybe he’s looking back at the lady?
Ad guy 2: No, no. You put a lady and a dog locking eyes on a bag and people are going to think the two of them are on a date or something. That’s not what we’re promoting here. This is just dog food. Inspirational dog food.
Ad guy 1: So is the dog inspired, too? I think the dog should have an inspired face.
Ad guy 2: Dogs can’t look inspired! Dogs just make dog faces. I mean, they can kind of look to the left, I guess.
Ad guy 1: So that settles it! An inspired lady looks down at a dog. The dog, who is not inspired, kinda looks to the left, and then we put the words “chicken soup” on a bag containing dog food that you can’t read!
Ad guy 2: Done! Let’s go to lunch.
Ad guy 1: Here’s the ad I put together for our new client.
Ad guy 2: Is this in response to that market research that said we could sell DVDs of You Can’t Do That on Television to guys who are into Asian chicks?
Ad guy 1: What? No. What the hell are you talking about?
Ad guy 2: You know that old sketch comedy show on Nickelodeon, You Can’t Do That on Television? Where whenever somebody said “I don’t know” they got covered in green slime and then the studio audience laughed?
Ad guy 1: Not really, no.
Ad guy 2: Well it looks like you’ve taken that idea and sexed it up.
Ad guy 1: Huh? No.
Ad guy 2: It’s like you’ve taken Gen Y’s nostalgia for a children’s sketch comedy show, given it a boner, and ta da! Advertising magic! When do the DVDs go on sale?
Ad guy 1: No, that’s not it at all. This is an advertisement for a sushi restaurant.
Ad guy 2: Oh. Then I guess I have some questions.
Ad guy 1: Shoot.
Ad guy 2: Why all the green slime? And why does that women look like she’s being pleasured sexually?
Ad guy 1: Because the sushi is greenmarket. And it is really, really good.
Ad guy 2: I don’t know what greenmarket means.
Ad guy 1: I don’t either. I think it means organic or it’s from a farm or something.
Ad guy 2: Ok fine. This is a sushi place with organic, farm-fresh ingredients. One more question.
Ad guy 1: Yeah?
Ad guy 2: Why does the slime look like green jizz?
Ad guy 1: Because jizz is organic?
Ad guy 2: I guess you have a point. Jizz is organic. But why would you take a word like “greenmarket” and immediately jump to “green jizz”?
Ad guy 1: Because it’s farmer jizz?
Ad guy 2: You lost me.
Ad guy 1: You know, farmers? They grow vegetables and then eat the vegetables? And vegetables are green a lot?
Ad guy 2: That makes absolutely no sense.
Ad guy 1: Okay, let me explain this from the beginning. Here are the facts. 1) Sex sells. 2) Greenmarket means organic and farm-fresh. 3) Asian chicks are hot. 4) Farmers probably have green jizz because of all the vegetables they grow and eat. 5) If you cover an Asian chick with green farmer’s jizz, you can advertise your sushi restaurant and convey the meaning of “greenmarket” very clearly!
Ad guy 2: Hmmm. I guess I can’t argue with a list. That was a really good list.
Ad guy 1: I know, right? Lists are really hard to disagree with.
Ad guy 2: Alright, let’s print it up really big and hope nobody gets confused and writes a sarcastic blog post about the whole thing!
Ad guy 1: We have really good ideas!
Ad guy 1: Ok, so there’s this lady, right? And she wrote a murder mystery and in Hollywood and she kinda looks like a bird and she needs a book slogan.
Ad guy 2: She looks like a bird? What does that have to do with anything?
Ad guy 1: Well apparently she’s popular and she needs to show her face in the ad. But her face is silly because of its birdlike features! Our slogan needs to take that into account.
Ad guy 2: Ok. How about “Hollywood Murder: Don’t look at bird face!”
Ad guy 1: Hmmm. Not bad. It tells everyone what the book’s about. But I think by mentioning her bird face you make people look at it.
Ad guy 2: Fine. “Someone’s been murdered! CAW 9-11!”
Ad guy 1: Again. The bird thing.
Ad guy 2: Right. Sorry.
Ad guy 1: Her feathery hair really is a problem, isn’t it?
Ad guy 2: Why would someone put so much effort into looking like a bird?
Ad guy 1: Because that’s preferable to looking like an old lady?
Ad guy 2: Touché.
Ad guy 1: Ok, we need to wrap this up. Hollywood murder. No birds allowed. Go.
Ad guy 2: LIGHTS. CAMERA. MURDER.
Ad guy 1: Oh, I get it. You replaced “action” with “murder.” Christ. That’s so bad I just got hemorrhoids.
Ad guy 2: Well then let’s go buy some ass ointment with our sweet new paycheck for hiding a lady’s horrible birdface with shitty wordplay!
Ad guy 1: Now we can only hope some guy will photograph that ad and tell our story in a blog post. That, and these hemorrhoids go away. But mostly the blog thing.
TWO MEN AT AN AD AGENCY DISCUSS A NEW AD FOR LOW-FAT ICE CREAM
“How about for our low-fat ice cream we use a skinny cow as our mascot? People would like a skinny cow.”
“That sounds good. Let’s do it!”
“But wait, one more thing.”
“What?”
“We should make them want to fuck the cow.”
“I… don’t think that’s appropriate.”
“No, no, hear me out. The ice cream is low-fat. The ice cream will make you skinny. Skinny = sexy. The ice cream comes from milk, which comes from cows. A sexy, skinny cow. It makes perfect sense!”
“Cows wouldn’t eat the low-fat ice cream, though. Cows eat grass. And they MAKE milk.”
“Well maybe the, uh, skinny sexy cow… got milked?”
“You’re suggesting we show a sexy cow, with the implication that the sexy cow got MILKED and that her SEXY COW MILK went into the ice cream that we want people to buy and eat?”
“Kinda.”
“You disgust me.”
“…”
“…”
“Don’t people buy more food when they have an erection?”
“I think you mean when they’re hungry.”
“No no, this is from personal experience.”
“You’re a terrible person.”
“I know. And I’m also your boss. Now let’s make us a cow ad that gives people boners so they buy ice cream.”
