23 9 / 2011

Let me guess what that special gift is, ProFlowers. Is it flowers? Of course it’s flowers.
How do the people at ProFlowers do it? I mean, what was their sales pitch six months ago? “Get your sweetheart the perfect gift. That’s right. It’s flowers. Love, ProFlowers.” And then at the beginning of summer, it was what? I’m guessing it was something like, “Check it out, these flowers are yellow.” Now we’re going into autumn, and they’re still talking about flowers like we’ve forgotten that flowers exist. When you open that email, it basically just says, “ORANGE FLOWERS!!!” and maybe they got a new type of vase or something.
I think I bought flowers from ProFlowers once. When the flowers arrived at my girlfriend’s office, they came in a long box, and they were frozen. It was like they sent her a failed cryogenic experiment. So, once she freed her cold flowers from their cardboard prison, she had to assemble her own goddamn flowers, and then they died after a couple days. Then she had an empty vase to remind her of the time she got some disappointing flowers, and you can’t just throw away a perfectly good vase, so you know she’s keeping that stupid jerk vase forever. It’s probably sitting in her office right now, like a little failure trophy.
In conclusion, sometimes I get mad at emails.

Let me guess what that special gift is, ProFlowers. Is it flowers? Of course it’s flowers.

How do the people at ProFlowers do it? I mean, what was their sales pitch six months ago? “Get your sweetheart the perfect gift. That’s right. It’s flowers. Love, ProFlowers.” And then at the beginning of summer, it was what? I’m guessing it was something like, “Check it out, these flowers are yellow.” Now we’re going into autumn, and they’re still talking about flowers like we’ve forgotten that flowers exist. When you open that email, it basically just says, “ORANGE FLOWERS!!!” and maybe they got a new type of vase or something.

I think I bought flowers from ProFlowers once. When the flowers arrived at my girlfriend’s office, they came in a long box, and they were frozen. It was like they sent her a failed cryogenic experiment. So, once she freed her cold flowers from their cardboard prison, she had to assemble her own goddamn flowers, and then they died after a couple days. Then she had an empty vase to remind her of the time she got some disappointing flowers, and you can’t just throw away a perfectly good vase, so you know she’s keeping that stupid jerk vase forever. It’s probably sitting in her office right now, like a little failure trophy.

In conclusion, sometimes I get mad at emails.

28 12 / 2010

"Thank you for flying Southwest! I got you a building and an airplane. Also, I ate a car.
Love,
Giant Lady”

"Thank you for flying Southwest! I got you a building and an airplane. Also, I ate a car.

Love,

Giant Lady”

01 12 / 2010

I don’t care what you’re actually selling; if your ad features a man with a stunning mustache, I am going to assume you are selling something mustache-related.
The above ad was originally for a database school or something. The man in the ad probably majored in mustaches. His final project? Grow a great mustache. And then the bonus is that his diploma is also a mustache and that he wears the diploma on his face all the time.

I don’t care what you’re actually selling; if your ad features a man with a stunning mustache, I am going to assume you are selling something mustache-related.

The above ad was originally for a database school or something. The man in the ad probably majored in mustaches. His final project? Grow a great mustache. And then the bonus is that his diploma is also a mustache and that he wears the diploma on his face all the time.

27 10 / 2010

The Chicago Transit Association has these ads up to remind you to report harassment, and that’s not very funny.
What is funny is how someone added that little ad to the bottom right corner of one of them (which I brightened so you could see it).
Now you’ve got this group of people looking very stern, as if to say, “We will not tolerate harassment of any kind.” Then that lady’s giggling in the corner going, “Tee hee, I might.”

The Chicago Transit Association has these ads up to remind you to report harassment, and that’s not very funny.

What is funny is how someone added that little ad to the bottom right corner of one of them (which I brightened so you could see it).

Now you’ve got this group of people looking very stern, as if to say, “We will not tolerate harassment of any kind.” Then that lady’s giggling in the corner going, “Tee hee, I might.”

11 2 / 2010

I just got an email from a frequent flyer program that started like this:

Dear Henry,

Did you know that since you joined e-Miles you’ve
missed hundreds of opportunities to earn miles in
just minutes?

Ah, yes, I believe right here they’re using an old advertising trick: Fill the customer with regret.

The technique of using regret to sell products has been around for several decades now. Its inventor, an ad executive named Jimmy Thurgood, marketed the technique itself with phrases like, “A sad man is a spendin’ man!” and “Why didn’t you think of this idea before me?”

Who can forget the regret-centric ads we’ve seen over the years? Like there’s that old Coke ad from the ’50s that said, “Think of all the Cokes you could have had,” with a black and white photo of an old woman staring out a window.

And let’s not forget that poster put out by the French Tourism Bureau in the 80s that had a photo of the Eiffel Tower and the slogan, “You’d enjoy Paris more if you were younger!” And in the foreground there’s this young couple walking along eating ice cream while these older guy looks at them from a bench and rubs ice on his bad knees.

Even today there’s that Match.com commercial where the voice over says, “Remember the one that got away? Maybe one of the women on here will kinda look like her.”

Yes, regret is truly the best way to engage potential customers.