23 4 / 2014

A hipster argument in which one person does not understand what a hipster is

  • 1: "Ugh, this is such a hipster neighborhood."
  • 2: "This is NOT a hipster neighborhood."
  • 1: "Look at all the park space! Tons of trees and shade."
  • 2: "I mean, yeah, but that doesn't make it a hipster neighborhood."
  • 1: "It's obvious! Just look at the ground! Twigs everywhere. I bet the hipsters are using them to build their dumb hipster nests."
  • 2: "Is 'nest' slang for something I don't know about, or... ?"
  • 1: "And can you hear the hipsters cawing their weird music from the trees? Fucking hipsters."
  • 2: "Those are birds. You're confusing hipsters with birds."
  • 1: "Call them what you want, I just don't like hipsters. I mean, sure, it's cute when a baby hipster hatches from an egg, but-"
  • 2: "Nope, not hipsters. Definitely birds."
  • 1: "Whatever, let's find your car and get out of here before hipsters peck our eyes out, like in that Alfred Hitchcock movie The Hipsters."
  • 2: "Pretty sure that movie was called something elseOH GODDAMN IT, I parked my car under this tree and now there's bird shit all over it."
  • 1: "Fucking hipsters!"
  • 2: "Fucking hipsters."

29 1 / 2013

Person 1 does something they are not supposed to do because it violated social rules or etiquette or whatever.

Person 2 says, “My heavens! Why did you do that thing?”

Person 1 says, “I apologize! I made a simple mistake.”

LATER

Person 3 whispers to Person 4, “Did you hear about Person 1? They did that thing!”

Person 4 replies, “I can’t believe that person did that thing given their standing in society! That is a thing they were not supposed to do! We have unspoken rules here.”

Person 3: “I know! it’s outrageous, or rather, the old-timey word for ‘outrageous’! It is the past!”

(Everyone exchanges loaded glances with everyone else, in every scene, forever.)

Person 5 “Electricity and cars! My heavens! Hey did you hear about that thing Person 1 did?”

CREDITS

03 1 / 2012

Manager: Have you finished drawing those holly berries on the front window of our shop?
Clerk: Almost! I’ve got three berries and a couple leaves. Just got to connect everything and I’m all done. This is going to look great.
Manager: Excellent! Only, I’ve changed my mind about your drawing. It should be a Santa.
Clerk: So I should erase the holly berries and start over?
Manager: No, no. Keep the berries there. Just make them Santa’s face.
Clerk: O… kay.
Manager: Trust me! Draw a combination of the two. Imagine Santa’s father - an old man with a big white beard - making a baby with a holly berry bush.
Clerk: I’d prefer not t-
Manager: I SAID IMAGINE IT. Now draw it. Draw it on our window. The child born from a jolly old man and some Christmas berries. Put it here, on the window of our pizza place here in downtown Chicago.
Clerk: Ugh. Fine.
Manager: Also make sure everyone knows that Santa is a white man. Put a label under his face, so no one forgets. Don’t want people thinking Santa’s Puerto Rican or something.
Clerk: Like, write “White man” under him? That doesn’t make sense.
Manager: No, that’s too nice. Write “Cracker.”
Clerk: That makes even less sense. But sure. Whatever.
Manager: Holly berry face cracker Santa is complete! This is going to be the merriest Christmas ever!
Clerk: It’s January.

Manager: Have you finished drawing those holly berries on the front window of our shop?

Clerk: Almost! I’ve got three berries and a couple leaves. Just got to connect everything and I’m all done. This is going to look great.

Manager: Excellent! Only, I’ve changed my mind about your drawing. It should be a Santa.

Clerk: So I should erase the holly berries and start over?

Manager: No, no. Keep the berries there. Just make them Santa’s face.

Clerk: O… kay.

Manager: Trust me! Draw a combination of the two. Imagine Santa’s father - an old man with a big white beard - making a baby with a holly berry bush.

Clerk: I’d prefer not t-

Manager: I SAID IMAGINE IT. Now draw it. Draw it on our window. The child born from a jolly old man and some Christmas berries. Put it here, on the window of our pizza place here in downtown Chicago.

Clerk: Ugh. Fine.

Manager: Also make sure everyone knows that Santa is a white man. Put a label under his face, so no one forgets. Don’t want people thinking Santa’s Puerto Rican or something.

Clerk: Like, write “White man” under him? That doesn’t make sense.

Manager: No, that’s too nice. Write “Cracker.”

Clerk: That makes even less sense. But sure. Whatever.

Manager: Holly berry face cracker Santa is complete! This is going to be the merriest Christmas ever!

Clerk: It’s January.

24 1 / 2011

Clerk: “Welcome to Walgreens. How may I help you?”
Customer: “My kid’s sick, but I don’t want to touch him.”
Clerk: “Have you considered leaving him alone?”
Customer: “Yeah, but I need to take his temperature so I know when he’s not sick anymore.”
Clerk: “Hmmm. Well how do you feel about just putting a sticker on him and running away?”
Customer: “I… guess that would work?”
Clerk: “Then you want these.” (hands him box of Fever Bugz)
Customer: “Whoa, that kid looks like he’s tripping balls.”
Clerk: “He probably is. It’s best to just load your kids up with cold medicine and then go watch Netflix in the other room until everything’s sorted out.”
Customer: “Wait, so how do I get the sticker on my kid if I don’t want to touch him?”
Clerk: “Just put it on a stick and apply it to your kid’s face. You can also use a broom or something. Aisle three.”
Customer: “Hey, thanks, lady.”
Clerk: “No problem. Kids are gross.”

Clerk: “Welcome to Walgreens. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My kid’s sick, but I don’t want to touch him.”

Clerk: “Have you considered leaving him alone?”

Customer: “Yeah, but I need to take his temperature so I know when he’s not sick anymore.”

Clerk: “Hmmm. Well how do you feel about just putting a sticker on him and running away?”

Customer: “I… guess that would work?”

Clerk: “Then you want these.” (hands him box of Fever Bugz)

Customer: “Whoa, that kid looks like he’s tripping balls.”

Clerk: “He probably is. It’s best to just load your kids up with cold medicine and then go watch Netflix in the other room until everything’s sorted out.”

Customer: “Wait, so how do I get the sticker on my kid if I don’t want to touch him?”

Clerk: “Just put it on a stick and apply it to your kid’s face. You can also use a broom or something. Aisle three.”

Customer: “Hey, thanks, lady.”

Clerk: “No problem. Kids are gross.”

02 11 / 2010

This sign at a nearby cafeteria amuses me just a little bit every time I see it.

Cafeteria Employee 1:”I made this sign for the lemonade.”
Cafeteria Employee 2:”Hey! Catchy tagline!”
Cafeteria Employee 1:”Thanks. We boil the lemonade, right?”
Cafeteria Employee 2: “Probably. I don’t know. Whatever, let’s just put this sign up everywhere.”

I also like how all the lemonades and juices get classified as “infused waters.” I mean, who doesn’t have fond memories of drinking a cool glass of infused water on a hot summer day? Or those lazy afternoons when your mom would get out the science kit and infuse some water right there in the kitchen? Just infusin’ away, because that’s a totally normal verb, and boy did we use it all the time.
In all seriousness, I think it’s charming when I find handwritten or non-professional writing in commercial spaces. Squeaky clean labels in shops and restaurants can be boring and sterile, but mistakes are human, and that’s why I can get behind someone accidentally suggesting that the juice is piping hot.
ALSO: I know what infused water is, but “juices and infused waters” would get the job done better. Or maybe the sign’s just  outdated and they just don’t have infused water anymore. Either way, you just called the chilled water hot, ya ding dongs.

This sign at a nearby cafeteria amuses me just a little bit every time I see it.

Cafeteria Employee 1:”I made this sign for the lemonade.”

Cafeteria Employee 2:”Hey! Catchy tagline!”

Cafeteria Employee 1:”Thanks. We boil the lemonade, right?”

Cafeteria Employee 2: “Probably. I don’t know. Whatever, let’s just put this sign up everywhere.”

I also like how all the lemonades and juices get classified as “infused waters.” I mean, who doesn’t have fond memories of drinking a cool glass of infused water on a hot summer day? Or those lazy afternoons when your mom would get out the science kit and infuse some water right there in the kitchen? Just infusin’ away, because that’s a totally normal verb, and boy did we use it all the time.

In all seriousness, I think it’s charming when I find handwritten or non-professional writing in commercial spaces. Squeaky clean labels in shops and restaurants can be boring and sterile, but mistakes are human, and that’s why I can get behind someone accidentally suggesting that the juice is piping hot.

ALSO: I know what infused water is, but “juices and infused waters” would get the job done better. Or maybe the sign’s just outdated and they just don’t have infused water anymore. Either way, you just called the chilled water hot, ya ding dongs.

09 3 / 2010

Hey guys, as I learned from making this joke, the domain yourparentsdivorce.com is currently not in use. So, ya know, if you want a very memorable personal website URL… there’s always that.

Smart businessman: “Remember your parents’ divorce?”

Stupid businessman: “Yeah, I do. It’s a very painful memory.”

Smart businessman: “Okay! Well add a .com to it and that’s where you can find my resume and work samples. Have a good one!”

Stupid businessman: “I’ll be sure to check it out. Right after I get back from therapy.”

Smart businessman: (looking upwards, toward God, probably) “Who needs a firm handshake when your personal web address makes grown men cry? CHA-CHING!” (pumps fist)

See? That’s how you take a traumatic thing and turn it into success.

I hope you find this information useful,

-Henry

24 2 / 2010

(Click to embiggen.)
A local business owner and buddy of mine got featured in Modern Luxury. I thought the article was kind and well-written, but when I wanted to leave a comment saying something along the lines of “Hey, I like your writeup! This guy’s business is great!” I found I had to register first. Not only that, the registration process somehow managed to be condescending. So in true Cranky Interface Guy fashion, I added notes to that screenshot.
LATER, IN THE MODERN LUXURY USER EXPERIENCE DEPARTMENT
Web consultant: “According to our user research data, when people are asked to register at ModernLuxury.com, only 10% of them register successfully, while 89.8% quit before completing Step 1, and 0.2% take a screenshot and write sarcastic annotations all over it.”
Gentleman wearing a monocle, having a servant hand-feed him smoked pheasant: “This is positively dreadful!”
Web consultant: “I know. We shouldn’t require such absurd things from new users.”
Gentleman wearing a monocle, having a servant hand-feed him smoked pheasant: “No, I mean this pheasant is a bit dry! Send it back to the kitchen, Gregory! I’d go myself but you see my shoes are made of solid gold, due to my being preposterously wealthy.”
Servant Gregory: “Yes, sir.”
Gentleman wearing a monocle, no longer being hand-fed smoked pheasant: “The help around here truly is unremarkable. On the upside I was able to use my extravagant wealth and social status to legally change Gregory’s first name to ‘Servant.’ It keeps him from acting up.”
Web consultant: “Okay. So about these web forms. People don’t like being required to answer questions that could be considered intrusive.”
Gentleman wearing a monocle, no longer being hand-fed smoked pheasant: “Yes, that’s all well and good, but I must ask you, how much do you weigh and how many sexual partners have you had?”
Web consultant: “I’ll be going now.”
Gentleman wearing a monocle, etc.: “I was only asking so I could register you for our latest publication, Contemporary Thin & Sexually Promiscuous Quarterly!”

(Click to embiggen.)

A local business owner and buddy of mine got featured in Modern Luxury. I thought the article was kind and well-written, but when I wanted to leave a comment saying something along the lines of “Hey, I like your writeup! This guy’s business is great!” I found I had to register first. Not only that, the registration process somehow managed to be condescending. So in true Cranky Interface Guy fashion, I added notes to that screenshot.

LATER, IN THE MODERN LUXURY USER EXPERIENCE DEPARTMENT

Web consultant: “According to our user research data, when people are asked to register at ModernLuxury.com, only 10% of them register successfully, while 89.8% quit before completing Step 1, and 0.2% take a screenshot and write sarcastic annotations all over it.”

Gentleman wearing a monocle, having a servant hand-feed him smoked pheasant: “This is positively dreadful!”

Web consultant: “I know. We shouldn’t require such absurd things from new users.”

Gentleman wearing a monocle, having a servant hand-feed him smoked pheasant: “No, I mean this pheasant is a bit dry! Send it back to the kitchen, Gregory! I’d go myself but you see my shoes are made of solid gold, due to my being preposterously wealthy.”

Servant Gregory: “Yes, sir.”

Gentleman wearing a monocle, no longer being hand-fed smoked pheasant: “The help around here truly is unremarkable. On the upside I was able to use my extravagant wealth and social status to legally change Gregory’s first name to ‘Servant.’ It keeps him from acting up.”

Web consultant: “Okay. So about these web forms. People don’t like being required to answer questions that could be considered intrusive.”

Gentleman wearing a monocle, no longer being hand-fed smoked pheasant: “Yes, that’s all well and good, but I must ask you, how much do you weigh and how many sexual partners have you had?”

Web consultant: “I’ll be going now.”

Gentleman wearing a monocle, etc.: “I was only asking so I could register you for our latest publication, Contemporary Thin & Sexually Promiscuous Quarterly!”