26 4 / 2013

"Hey guys, most of you don’t know me, just wanted to let you know that I have no sense of what’s appropriate and now I’m leaving."

Thanks buddy I had diarrhea last night have a good one.

28 1 / 2013

The above is an image from Reagan.com, a website that will sell you an @Reagan.com email address. The website’s message is basically this:
Don’t trust free email addresses!! A shifty-eyed man is going to open all your emails!
But you know who you CAN trust? RONALD REAGAN. Ronald Reagan would never read your emails. He probably never used email! He’s a patriot, and a ghost.
For just $40 a year, you can have an email address that tells everyone, “Hey, bub, these colors don’t run! Plus I really like Ronald Reagan!” Now even your most casual emails can be vaguely political!
That fee you pay us might benefit a working-class mom someday. That’s trickle down email-nomics, baby!
Reagan.com will not copy, scan, or sell one word of your emails because it doesn’t know how to use the computer that good.
Rest in peace, Ronald Reagan! Hope you’re up there not reading emails in heaven!

The above is an image from Reagan.com, a website that will sell you an @Reagan.com email address. The website’s message is basically this:

Don’t trust free email addresses!! A shifty-eyed man is going to open all your emails!

But you know who you CAN trust? RONALD REAGAN. Ronald Reagan would never read your emails. He probably never used email! He’s a patriot, and a ghost.

For just $40 a year, you can have an email address that tells everyone, “Hey, bub, these colors don’t run! Plus I really like Ronald Reagan!” Now even your most casual emails can be vaguely political!

That fee you pay us might benefit a working-class mom someday. That’s trickle down email-nomics, baby!

Reagan.com will not copy, scan, or sell one word of your emails because it doesn’t know how to use the computer that good.

Rest in peace, Ronald Reagan! Hope you’re up there not reading emails in heaven!

Ronald Reagan ha ha emails!

23 9 / 2011

Let me guess what that special gift is, ProFlowers. Is it flowers? Of course it’s flowers.
How do the people at ProFlowers do it? I mean, what was their sales pitch six months ago? “Get your sweetheart the perfect gift. That’s right. It’s flowers. Love, ProFlowers.” And then at the beginning of summer, it was what? I’m guessing it was something like, “Check it out, these flowers are yellow.” Now we’re going into autumn, and they’re still talking about flowers like we’ve forgotten that flowers exist. When you open that email, it basically just says, “ORANGE FLOWERS!!!” and maybe they got a new type of vase or something.
I think I bought flowers from ProFlowers once. When the flowers arrived at my girlfriend’s office, they came in a long box, and they were frozen. It was like they sent her a failed cryogenic experiment. So, once she freed her cold flowers from their cardboard prison, she had to assemble her own goddamn flowers, and then they died after a couple days. Then she had an empty vase to remind her of the time she got some disappointing flowers, and you can’t just throw away a perfectly good vase, so you know she’s keeping that stupid jerk vase forever. It’s probably sitting in her office right now, like a little failure trophy.
In conclusion, sometimes I get mad at emails.

Let me guess what that special gift is, ProFlowers. Is it flowers? Of course it’s flowers.

How do the people at ProFlowers do it? I mean, what was their sales pitch six months ago? “Get your sweetheart the perfect gift. That’s right. It’s flowers. Love, ProFlowers.” And then at the beginning of summer, it was what? I’m guessing it was something like, “Check it out, these flowers are yellow.” Now we’re going into autumn, and they’re still talking about flowers like we’ve forgotten that flowers exist. When you open that email, it basically just says, “ORANGE FLOWERS!!!” and maybe they got a new type of vase or something.

I think I bought flowers from ProFlowers once. When the flowers arrived at my girlfriend’s office, they came in a long box, and they were frozen. It was like they sent her a failed cryogenic experiment. So, once she freed her cold flowers from their cardboard prison, she had to assemble her own goddamn flowers, and then they died after a couple days. Then she had an empty vase to remind her of the time she got some disappointing flowers, and you can’t just throw away a perfectly good vase, so you know she’s keeping that stupid jerk vase forever. It’s probably sitting in her office right now, like a little failure trophy.

In conclusion, sometimes I get mad at emails.