13 7 / 2017
Shoutout to Levi’s for using editable text and awkward photography in their promotional emails
25 2 / 2016
i’m lovin that juice
my friend Amy messaged me a photo of a product label
just a dumb photo shared with a couple friends, sure.
in retrospect these look mean but you’ve got to trust me here, we’re just three dummies fascinated with a hotmail email address printed on a label.
so I figure I’ll write this company a silly email real quick, asking them a very dumb but easy question. I’m not trying to be mean here. (I try to be kind whenever possible.)
here’s the email:
Amy and Andrew are not happy with me
and honestly i don’t understand why they’re mad at me.
but somehow it hadn’t clicked yet
I should mention, despite all the talk about syrup and pancakes, I sincerely thought I’d just emailed an apple juice company. despite the words “syrup” and “pancakes” getting thrown around, I guess I saw that yellow label and that sugar content and thought, “yep, definitely apple juice” and then wrote an email to a small maple syrup company to tell them “i’m lovin that juice” and “what type of apples are in the juice” like a proper idiot
In my attempt to be silly, I ended up being kind of mean, so i sent a followup email to hopefully make up for the first email:
i am stupid. and i hope i didn’t annoy the apple juice company maple syrup company too much
05 1 / 2016
i guess 2015 was the year i decided LinkedIn should have the voice of a lunatic
26 6 / 2015
the unintentionally silly header image in this campaign newsletter inspired me to rewrite the rest of the email
have a great friday, everyone
26 4 / 2013
Who the hell are these people who send their goodbye emails to massive company mailing lists?
“Hey guys, most of you don’t know me, just wanted to let you know that I have no sense of what’s appropriate and now I’m leaving.”
Thanks buddy I had diarrhea last night have a good one.
28 1 / 2013
The above is an image from Reagan.com, a website that will sell you an @Reagan.com email address. The website’s message is basically this:
Don’t trust free email addresses!! A shifty-eyed man is going to open all your emails!
But you know who you CAN trust? RONALD REAGAN. Ronald Reagan would never read your emails. He probably never used email! He’s a patriot, and a ghost.
For just $40 a year, you can have an email address that tells everyone, “Hey, bub, these colors don’t run! Plus I really like Ronald Reagan!” Now even your most casual emails can be vaguely political!
That fee you pay us might benefit a working-class mom someday. That’s trickle down email-nomics, baby!
Reagan.com will not copy, scan, or sell one word of your emails because it doesn’t know how to use the computer that good.
Rest in peace, Ronald Reagan! Hope you’re up there not reading emails in heaven!
23 9 / 2011
Let me guess what that special gift is, ProFlowers. Is it flowers? Of course it’s flowers.
How do the people at ProFlowers do it? I mean, what was their sales pitch six months ago? “Get your sweetheart the perfect gift. That’s right. It’s flowers. Love, ProFlowers.” And then at the beginning of summer, it was what? I’m guessing it was something like, “Check it out, these flowers are yellow.” Now we’re going into autumn, and they’re still talking about flowers like we’ve forgotten that flowers exist. When you open that email, it basically just says, “ORANGE FLOWERS!!!” and maybe they got a new type of vase or something.
I think I bought flowers from ProFlowers once. When the flowers arrived at my girlfriend’s office, they came in a long box, and they were frozen. It was like they sent her a failed cryogenic experiment. So, once she freed her cold flowers from their cardboard prison, she had to assemble her own goddamn flowers, and then they died after a couple days. Then she had an empty vase to remind her of the time she got some disappointing flowers, and you can’t just throw away a perfectly good vase, so you know she’s keeping that stupid jerk vase forever. It’s probably sitting in her office right now, like a little failure trophy.
In conclusion, sometimes I get mad at emails.