02 4 / 2014

There are a few things I’ve learned from commenting on the Birds Eye Vegetables Facebook page:

  • People love answering dumb questions. Over 900 people responded to the above post, all of them saying something like “pepper.” It’s like some wealthy lunatic asked, “How could I get hundreds of people to all type ‘pepper’ onto the internet like an absurdist art project?” And here we are, I guess.
  • Birds Eye Vegetables only Likes right answers. See that second screenshot? Do you see the two utter losers with no Likes? That’s because Birds Eye only rewards winners. “Orange pepper”? Have a Like! “Red bell pepper”? LikeTown, Population: You! “Cantalope”? Are you kidding me? Go fuck yourself, idiot.
  • Birds Eye will benevolently chime in to give the right answer if someone isn’t sure. And then people will reply to that reply, because nobody can stop Facebook commenters from shouting “pepper” all over this thread. They see that comment box and they think, “Oh look, a text box! I have to type pepper into that thing!!!”
  • Nobody in the Birds Eye thread really talks to other people, so I feel free to leave multiple comments now. Birds Eye never responds, and other people pretty much just type “red pepper” and continue on with their very important schedules. So, when all comments are viewed chronologically, I look like someone having an argument with an unrelenting army of people who only type “pepper” into comment boxes. I’m basically Neo fighting wave after wave of machines outside the Matrix, only instead of doing kung fu I’m talking about pumpkins a lot.
  • And lastly, this isn’t a thing I learned, really, but I appreciated Nick openly disagreeing with Our Lord and Master Birds Eye Vegetables re: whether that pepper is a pumpkin. I only hope the Birds Eye Facebook page admin is half as amused as we are, but sometimes I imagine some 80s cartoon villain smashing his metal fist against his big desk and shouting, “Curses! They called it a pumpkin again!”

01 4 / 2014

Oh no they didn’t.
(Clarence is my great-grandfather.)

Oh no they didn’t.

(Clarence is my great-grandfather.)

28 1 / 2014

Word to the guy who told the people selling carrots that he hates carrots

(Source: facebook.com)

17 1 / 2014

I’m a monster.

I’m a monster.

(Source: facebook.com)

03 1 / 2014

My great-grandfather Clarence Birdseye founded the Birds Eye Frozen Food Company in 1923. Then in 1929 he sold it to what later became the General Foods Corporation. More recently, however, Birds Eye got a Facebook page and now I leave stupid comments on their posts for some reason.
(Here are other posts where I’ve left dumb comments)

My great-grandfather Clarence Birdseye founded the Birds Eye Frozen Food Company in 1923. Then in 1929 he sold it to what later became the General Foods Corporation. More recently, however, Birds Eye got a Facebook page and now I leave stupid comments on their posts for some reason.

(Here are other posts where I’ve left dumb comments)

(Source: slacktory)

22 8 / 2013

Seriously. Every time.

Seriously. Every time.

19 8 / 2013

New feature request
I’m mostly joking here, but it wouldn’t be the worst idea.
A baby photo is just another piece of content that’s really common to see in a Facebook feed these days. And just like I can say “I don’t want to see game invites from anyone” or “I don’t want to see any photos from Steve in particular”, I’d like to be able to say “I don’t want to see any babies” or “I don’t want to see any babies posted by Stephanie.” Maybe I’m not in a baby mood, or maybe Stephanie’s just got an ugly baby. But it’s metadata, and that helps people find new stuff they like and avoid stuff they don’t.
Which would mean that if this became a thing, there’d be actions next to every photo like “Flag as baby.” And the following prompt would go “Is this a baby?” and you’d click either “Yes, it’s a baby” or “False alarm, it’s just a bald old man.”
And of course this could apply to other posts that people complain about. For example, I post dog photos because I have dogs and I like my dogs. But if you hate dogs, then fine, let me label my dog photos as dog photos. That way I can find my dog photos better, and you don’t have to look at my dogs. And of course, more flagging options: “Flag as dog?” -> “Yes, that’s a dog” or “Never mind, it’s just a brown wig.”
And before anyone recommends it: I tried Unbaby.me, the browser plugin that hides baby photos, and it’s very clever. It uses an amazing list of keywords, not some sophisticated photo detection algorithm, so it’s really only catching photos where someone wrote a caption like “This is my big boy!” or “My little princess!” It’ll also block any post that uses the word “toesies” which is just perfect.

New feature request

I’m mostly joking here, but it wouldn’t be the worst idea.

A baby photo is just another piece of content that’s really common to see in a Facebook feed these days. And just like I can say “I don’t want to see game invites from anyone” or “I don’t want to see any photos from Steve in particular”, I’d like to be able to say “I don’t want to see any babies” or “I don’t want to see any babies posted by Stephanie.” Maybe I’m not in a baby mood, or maybe Stephanie’s just got an ugly baby. But it’s metadata, and that helps people find new stuff they like and avoid stuff they don’t.

Which would mean that if this became a thing, there’d be actions next to every photo like “Flag as baby.” And the following prompt would go “Is this a baby?” and you’d click either “Yes, it’s a baby” or “False alarm, it’s just a bald old man.”

And of course this could apply to other posts that people complain about. For example, I post dog photos because I have dogs and I like my dogs. But if you hate dogs, then fine, let me label my dog photos as dog photos. That way I can find my dog photos better, and you don’t have to look at my dogs. And of course, more flagging options: “Flag as dog?” -> “Yes, that’s a dog” or “Never mind, it’s just a brown wig.”

And before anyone recommends it: I tried Unbaby.me, the browser plugin that hides baby photos, and it’s very clever. It uses an amazing list of keywords, not some sophisticated photo detection algorithm, so it’s really only catching photos where someone wrote a caption like “This is my big boy!” or “My little princess!” It’ll also block any post that uses the word “toesies” which is just perfect.

12 8 / 2013

One more.
Previously

One more.

Previously

(Source: facebook.com)

12 8 / 2013

Meanwhile, on the Birds Eye Vegetables Facebook page:

Susan is leaving a comment about green beans for Susan, and the only person who likes it is herself (Susan). What.

What’s happening here? Are we all watching this Facebook admin have a very confusing conversation with herself? Just, what the hell, people. 

Also, I’ve started leaving aggressively stupid comments on Birds Eye’s Facebook posts. Partly because it’s horribly condescending, and partly because my last name is actually Birdseye and I wonder if people will think I’m somehow affiliated with the company. (Of course, I’m not, but my great grandfather did found the company.)

26 4 / 2013

Every fan page post is an opportunity to leave a really stupid comment to amuse yourself.
(FYI Thief is a game, not a dude.)

Every fan page post is an opportunity to leave a really stupid comment to amuse yourself.

(FYI Thief is a game, not a dude.)

12 1 / 2013

My friend just posted a status on Facebook. It was clearly his girlfriend who posted it, but she posted it under his name. She probably just went on his computer, and he was still signed in, so she posted this cute little message as him:

My girlfriend is the bomb. I love her. I will get her coffee in the morning. I will rub her feet. Whatever she desires, I’m there.

And I think that’s fine. I think newer couples do that. It shows that they’re spending more time together. Maybe they have a strong enough relationship now where it’s okay that she violate his trust just a little bit, just to make this little “My girlfriend is the best” post on his account. I realize that this is probably just a way for her to tell him she likes him.

I also realize that I could fuck everything up for him by commenting, “Which one?”

03 4 / 2012

slacktory:

A Message From the Guy Who Won the Lottery and Wants to Share His Money With Everyone on Facebook by Henry Birdseye
I just want to change the world with this money. I could donate it to a charity, but what is a charity, really? A bunch of strangers who give your money to even more strangers? No thank you! I only deal with first-degree strangers!

Have any of you see the Facebook meme about the lottery winner that’s been going around for the last 2 days? Basically it’s a grainy webcam photo of a bearded white guy holding a winning Mega Millions ticket. The caption reads, “This dude actually won and hes planin on splittin a little with anyone who shares his update sooo im sharing.” It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It’s also been shared tens of thousands of times.
So, last night I took a crappy webcam photo of myself holding a blank check, then photoshopped some fake information onto it, and wrote the above post about a lottery winner who wants to share his money with total strangers. It’s all deliberately absurd. I talk about flying to people’s houses on a jet, and I brag about owning a laser printer. The zeros on the check run onto my hand, and the check itself is signed by Barack Obama.
And people still aren’t getting it.
Which is fine, I guess? There’s something sweet about people wanting all of this stuff to be real. It reminds me of little kids believing in Santa, only this time it’s grown adults, and Santa is a sneaky jpeg. Either way, both parties should be able to verify whether it’s a hoax or not. (Hey CHILDREN, it’s called GOOGLE. ASKJEEVES IT.)
Anyway, I’ve made a public Facebook post on Slacktory that’s very similar to the original hoax photo. You can share it if you want, ideally with a caption like “oh man i hope its true!!!” Consider it an experiment: Will your friends get the joke, or will they pass it along without realizing the check’s memo says, “Won real lottery”?

slacktory:

A Message From the Guy Who Won the Lottery and Wants to Share His Money With Everyone on Facebook by Henry Birdseye

I just want to change the world with this money. I could donate it to a charity, but what is a charity, really? A bunch of strangers who give your money to even more strangers? No thank you! I only deal with first-degree strangers!

Have any of you see the Facebook meme about the lottery winner that’s been going around for the last 2 days? Basically it’s a grainy webcam photo of a bearded white guy holding a winning Mega Millions ticket. The caption reads, “This dude actually won and hes planin on splittin a little with anyone who shares his update sooo im sharing.” It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It’s also been shared tens of thousands of times.

So, last night I took a crappy webcam photo of myself holding a blank check, then photoshopped some fake information onto it, and wrote the above post about a lottery winner who wants to share his money with total strangers. It’s all deliberately absurd. I talk about flying to people’s houses on a jet, and I brag about owning a laser printer. The zeros on the check run onto my hand, and the check itself is signed by Barack Obama.

And people still aren’t getting it.

Which is fine, I guess? There’s something sweet about people wanting all of this stuff to be real. It reminds me of little kids believing in Santa, only this time it’s grown adults, and Santa is a sneaky jpeg. Either way, both parties should be able to verify whether it’s a hoax or not. (Hey CHILDREN, it’s called GOOGLE. ASKJEEVES IT.)

Anyway, I’ve made a public Facebook post on Slacktory that’s very similar to the original hoax photo. You can share it if you want, ideally with a caption like “oh man i hope its true!!!” Consider it an experiment: Will your friends get the joke, or will they pass it along without realizing the check’s memo says, “Won real lottery”?

28 4 / 2011

1) The Sometimes Friend

I went to elementary school with a dude named Bill. Bill was odd in that he’d be your friend one week, and the next he wouldn’t talk to you. By middle school, he’d moved away. Up until then, I thought Bill’s behavior was specific to me until a friend said, “Remember Bill? That dude was a total fairweather friend.” Others agreed. Bill was weird like that with everyone, apparently.

So when he sent me a friend request on Facebook a couple years ago - nearly a decade later - I accepted. Whatever, dude. Water under the bridge, right? Good to be Internet friends with you. Can’t wait to go through your vacation photos for no reason.

According to Facebook, his girlfriend went to the same college as me, so it’s possible he found me because she and I were in the same network. Apparently, he was going to another college nearby. Weeks had passed since he added me, so one day I figured I’d send him a message and ask if he was ever in town. If he’s around, then why not get a beer or something, right?

But then I couldn’t get to his profile to send him a message. Because he had unfriended me.

For no reason, I’d guess. We hadn’t even corresponded with each other yet. Disappointing, but not surprising, I guess. Should’ve seen it coming.

2) Social Makeup Girl

I went to high school with a girl named Regina. Regina was pretty, and hung with the popular crowd. She always wore makeup to the point where you noticed, “hey, she’s wearing makeup,” but she was nice. She was quiet, but I got the idea she might be party girl outside of school. (Isn’t that what you assume the popular crowd does outside of school? Go to drunken parties all the time?) I don’t think she was necessarily a shallow person, but my interactions with her were always short and polite, lacking any real substance, and I was cool with that.

Flash forward 9 years later, and she’s sending me a Facebook friend request. And guess what? We have over 75 friends in common. Over seventy-five! Wow! You’d think we were good friends, given that number! Whoa!

I click through to her profile pictures and in a few of them, she’s wearing so much makeup she kinda looks like The Joker. (But, like, a sexy, partying Joker? Is that a thing?) Either way, nobody in the last 9 years had sat her down and told her that the point of makeup isn’t for people to think “Wow, she’s wearing a lot of makeup!” But whatever. My point is, the makeup thing was not a high school phase. It was a lifestyle, apparently.

And, while I don’t think that a Facebook friendship is a sacred bond built on trust and mutual admiration, I still think it’s a kind of a dick move to send out friend requests to everyone you vaguely recognize. So, imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when Regina had included a personal message with her Facebook friend request!

I opened the friend request email, and it said this:

Regina wants to be friends with you on Facebook.

[Thumbnail image of her smiling, super-tanned face]

Regina says, “Include a personal message…”.

How sweet. She somehow sent me the default message text that’s supposed to disappear as soon as you click inside the personal message form field.

I wondered, did she send that same message to the other 75 people that we share as friends, or was I special? Was she maintaining our tradition of being vaguely aware of each other while she stayed pretty and I stayed judgmental on the Internet, or did it just work out that way? Sometimes it’s reassuring to know that things don’t change.

19 4 / 2011

When new moms use photos of their kids as their profile photos, they tell little stories.
For example, in this status update, it looks like this baby made  herself oatmeal and is eating it all by herself. However, the baby has  an important place to be! This baby has appointments! And now  this baby is probably using her chubby baby hands to hold a little spoon  shaped like an airplane and shovel oatmeal into her mouth, but the  oatmeal’s too hot and she’s going to be late! This makes the baby so mad  she gets out her tiny laptop and types out a Facebook status update  while blowing on her hot oatmeal with her little baby mouth! UGH!!!

When new moms use photos of their kids as their profile photos, they tell little stories.

For example, in this status update, it looks like this baby made herself oatmeal and is eating it all by herself. However, the baby has an important place to be! This baby has appointments! And now this baby is probably using her chubby baby hands to hold a little spoon shaped like an airplane and shovel oatmeal into her mouth, but the oatmeal’s too hot and she’s going to be late! This makes the baby so mad she gets out her tiny laptop and types out a Facebook status update while blowing on her hot oatmeal with her little baby mouth! UGH!!!

08 3 / 2011

I have no words for this.

I have no words for this.