An idea for a new Kevin James movie

Kevin James stars as a clumsy doctor who hilariously loses all of his patients in… Hippocratic Oaf

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“Kevin James you left a scalpel in the patient! And your lunch! And your phone! And a bomb!”

KJ: “Is it too late to get my lunch back?”

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Other doctors: “Promise us you won’t do any more harm, Kevin James!”

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KJ: “I’ll get that surgery right some day! I have to impress Out of My League Lady Doctor!”

Lady Doctor: “Oh Kevin James you tried. I mean that guy is dead because of your hilarious bumblings but that earns you a peck on the cheek at least”

KJ: (receives kiss) “Whooooaaaa!” (slips on bloody surgery room floor)

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Boss Doctor: “Your track record as a pediatric surgeon is terrible, Kevin James”

KJ: “It’s just that my hands and these scalpels are so big and those kids so small! I can’t get, like, a tiny kid-sized scalpel? I’m really bad at my job but in an endearing way!”

KJ: “I guess I should go back to my old job as a zookeeper, or a kickboxing guy, or a mailman!” (winks at camera)

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Movie poster is Kevin James in scrubs making a silly “Oh no!” face and he is just COVERED in blood.

I discovered something on RottenTomatoes the other week: Every movie has a page for user-submitted quotes. And the thing is, some movies look predictable and bad. 21 and Over seems like the type of movie that’d get released as Drunk Kids Party in another country and that title would make more sense. It just doesn’t look like a fresh premise at all. So I was chatting with Nick, and I started making up quotes for this crappy-looking movie I’d only seen 30-second commercials for. “Of course I’m drinking beer! I’m 21 and over, man!” “I’m 21 and over with!” “Being 21 is awesome! I just did a million shots!” “Oh no it’s the cops, they’re mad I’m so 21!” Anyway, I thought I’d try to sneak one of my fake quotes by the RottenTomatoes moderators and it totally worked. I guess what I’m saying is follow your dreams.
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I discovered something on RottenTomatoes the other week: Every movie has a page for user-submitted quotes.

And the thing is, some movies look predictable and bad. 21 and Over seems like the type of movie that’d get released as Drunk Kids Party in another country and that title would make more sense. It just doesn’t look like a fresh premise at all.

So I was chatting with Nick, and I started making up quotes for this crappy-looking movie I’d only seen 30-second commercials for.

  • “Of course I’m drinking beer! I’m 21 and over, man!”
  • “I’m 21 and over with!”
  • “Being 21 is awesome! I just did a million shots!”
  • “Oh no it’s the cops, they’re mad I’m so 21!”

Anyway, I thought I’d try to sneak one of my fake quotes by the RottenTomatoes moderators and it totally worked. I guess what I’m saying is follow your dreams.

The Wire, but with horses

I found out recently that there was a murder a few blocks over from where I live. This is terrible news and I’m sad to hear it, but I’m not worried. I’m in a pretty nice neighborhood, but then if you go west a few blocks, things take a turn.

The weirdest part about this news is that the murder happened at an intersection with horses. You know those horse carriages that only tourists take when they visit downtown Chicago, so there’s just this fleet of horse carriages wafting a cloud of horse shit odor around the Mag Mile? This is where those carriage horses live, and this lot is where off-duty horses hang out all day before it gets dark and they presumably go back inside their little shared horse condo or whatever. (I’ve posted about this horse lot before.)

So I got to thinking: Are these… crime horses? Like, horses that participate in and/or investigate crimes? Which naturally led to imagining something like The Wire but with horses.

  • A horse walks around its little lot, but it’s got cocaine in its saddlebags, and it’s always carrying a knife in its big horse teeth. It wears a little horse bandanna to let you know which gang it’s in (or maybe its owner tied it there because it looks so handsome on him).
  • A smaller horse rides a larger horse and performs a driveby.
  • A cop explains to another cop. ““I’ve been watching their operation. buyers give money to a first horse, then they trot down the street and pick up drugs from that second horse”
  • “We’ve set up a wire” (turns up speakers and all you can hear is whinnying)
  • A cop visits the bad part of town to visit his horse informant, who lives in a graffitied barn. After he gets the information he needs, he covertly slips an apple into his informant’s open mouth.
  • “Look what we found in the latest shipment” (smashes oat with his fist, and you can see there was a balloon thingy of heroin inside it)
  • Two horses investigate a crime scene. As they slowly put the pieces together, the only word either of them says is “Neigh”