14 1 / 2013

I found out recently that there was a murder a few blocks over from where I live. This is terrible news and I’m sad to hear it, but I’m not worried. I’m in a pretty nice neighborhood, but then if you go west a few blocks, things take a turn.

The weirdest part about this news is that the murder happened at an intersection with horses. You know those horse carriages that only tourists take when they visit downtown Chicago, so there’s just this fleet of horse carriages wafting a cloud of horse shit odor around the Mag Mile? This is where those carriage horses live, and this lot is where off-duty horses hang out all day before it gets dark and they presumably go back inside their little shared horse condo or whatever. (I’ve posted about this horse lot before.)

So I got to thinking: Are these… crime horses? Like, horses that participate in and/or investigate crimes? Which naturally led to imagining something like The Wire but with horses.

  • A horse walks around its little lot, but it’s got cocaine in its saddlebags, and it’s always carrying a knife in its big horse teeth. It wears a little horse bandanna to let you know which gang it’s in (or maybe its owner tied it there because it looks so handsome on him).
  • A smaller horse rides a larger horse and performs a driveby.
  • A cop explains to another cop. “"I’ve been watching their operation. buyers give money to a first horse, then they trot down the street and pick up drugs from that second horse"
  • "We’ve set up a wire" (turns up speakers and all you can hear is whinnying)
  • A cop visits the bad part of town to visit his horse informant, who lives in a graffitied barn. After he gets the information he needs, he covertly slips an apple into his informant’s open mouth.
  • "Look what we found in the latest shipment" (smashes oat with his fist, and you can see there was a balloon thingy of heroin inside it)
  • Two horses investigate a crime scene. As they slowly put the pieces together, the only word either of them says is “Neigh”

06 10 / 2009

The other day I found this on my way home.  Do you know what this is?  I’ll tell you what this is.  It’s horses.  At least a half dozen of them.  What the hell.
I’m not surprised at the idea of horses.  I’ve seen horses before.  They’re not shocking.  Clippity clop, clippity clop, eat a carrot.  Whatever.  But I live in Chicago, less than a couple miles from downtown.  And I just found some horses, fenced in and unattended in an empty lot, about a block south of the Sedgwick Brown Line stop.
How would they get in this empty lot?  It wasn’t an empty lot for horses.  A sign said it was the future site of some condos.  So I was thinking, alright, horses are always pooping, so maybe they’re there to fertilize the lot?  But condos don’t grow like corn does.  A building doesn’t just sprout up from the soil like a big sunflower.  So what the hell.  These horses are pooping for nothing.
But that still doesn’t explain how they got there.  In an unsafe neighborhood, no less!  Crime reports mention this neighborhood has recently had acts of domestic battery and armed robbery, yet there isn’t a single act of criminal horse abandonment on record.
It takes a lot to move into a tough neighborhood.  These horses have balls.  (And I’m not just saying that because they were just dangling there while the horses walked around and pooped.)  But when these horses came to the big city to live out their horse dreams, the leader horse probably said “Will we give up?” and of course the other horses answered “Nay!”  So they stuck around, determined to live out their dreams near downtown Chicago, in an empty lot, across the street from the projects.
Big city horses: an urban mystery.

The other day I found this on my way home.  Do you know what this is?  I’ll tell you what this is.  It’s horses.  At least a half dozen of them.  What the hell.

I’m not surprised at the idea of horses.  I’ve seen horses before.  They’re not shocking.  Clippity clop, clippity clop, eat a carrot.  Whatever.  But I live in Chicago, less than a couple miles from downtown.  And I just found some horses, fenced in and unattended in an empty lot, about a block south of the Sedgwick Brown Line stop.

How would they get in this empty lot?  It wasn’t an empty lot for horses.  A sign said it was the future site of some condos.  So I was thinking, alright, horses are always pooping, so maybe they’re there to fertilize the lot?  But condos don’t grow like corn does.  A building doesn’t just sprout up from the soil like a big sunflower.  So what the hell.  These horses are pooping for nothing.

But that still doesn’t explain how they got there.  In an unsafe neighborhood, no less!  Crime reports mention this neighborhood has recently had acts of domestic battery and armed robbery, yet there isn’t a single act of criminal horse abandonment on record.

It takes a lot to move into a tough neighborhood.  These horses have balls.  (And I’m not just saying that because they were just dangling there while the horses walked around and pooped.)  But when these horses came to the big city to live out their horse dreams, the leader horse probably said “Will we give up?” and of course the other horses answered “Nay!”  So they stuck around, determined to live out their dreams near downtown Chicago, in an empty lot, across the street from the projects.

Big city horses: an urban mystery.