29 4 / 2013

Behind the Vine: Street Goose

I think ultimately this Vine where I’m shouting at a goose is about Mother Nature vs. Technology.

I found this goose sitting in a mall parking lot, in this little lane that cars use to turn around. This is a terrible place for a goose, so I thought maybe I’d chase it away, because dude, goose, there are cars here. Get out.

But as I ran closer, shouting “street goose street goose street goose” at the street goose, I noticed something: there was another goose on one of those sad little parking lot islands with wood chips and like two rocks on them. Presumably, this other goose was the street goose’s girlfriend. Well, shit. He’s not sitting in the street just because he’s a hip, urban goose. He’s protecting a nest.

Ugh. Geese.

I’m going to be real with any geese reading this: Don’t settle down in a parking lot. You may think, “Hey man, it’s springtime, I just got back from South For the Winter, I’m going to knock up my girlfriend and raise some goslings near a mall. We’ll live off food court dumpster food, and maybe name one of the goslings Ryan as a funny joke.”

But geese, I’ve got news for you: That is a stupid idea. You don’t even understand what a car is. So you’re out in the street trying to be a good dad and all you’re doing is hissing at rolling metal monsters who hiss backĀ way louder and also those monsters haveĀ more monsters (i.e. humanity) inside them so seriously what are you even doing, goose.

Go live in the woods. Go be a woods goose.

07 8 / 2012

You had your chance.

  • 1: Pssst
  • 2: Hey. Wow. It's been so long. What's up?
  • 1: I want you back.
  • 2: No. You had your chance.
  • 1: C'mon. I've changed.
  • 2: No, I really don't think you have.
  • 1: I've got something to show you.
  • 2: I'm not interested.
  • 1: C'mon. Click it. Click my red notification box.
  • 2: You try this every few weeks. No. Not now, Google Plus.
  • 1: But come ooooooon. Things were so great between us.
  • 2: I'll admit, we were good for a while. But then you didn't get along with my friends. Sure, we all hung out a few times, and that was great, but then we all went back to Facebook.
  • 1: You know I hate it when you say her name.
  • 2: Sorry, but that's just how it is.
  • 1: I can introduce you to new friends. I've been sending you notifications about all these new friends. I think you'd like them. You're probably already friends with them but you just haven't introduced me to them yet.
  • 2: The fifty-seven random Iranian dudes?
  • 1: Huh?
  • 2: You sent me notifications about fifty-seven random Iranian dudes.
  • 1: That's not true. There were a few Nigerian guys in there.
  • 2: That's not really my complaint. It's that these aren't even people I know.
  • 1: But you can choose what you share with them. How great is that? What a fun way to approach privacy. You can put them in circles.
  • 2: Or I can not put them in circles, because I don't know these people.
  • 1: Make a circle called "I don't know these people"! It's like a circle that isn't a circle! Isn't it fun, putting your friends in circles? It's like a job, but with friendship.
  • 2: I'm leaving.
  • 1: Fine. See if I care.
  • 2: Whatever.
  • 1: You'll be back! Just you wait until the one friend of yours who still uses me posts some vacation photos! I'll be right back in your life, and I'll bring my little notification box with me! Leave me? You'll never leave me. I live in your inbox. I can read your emails. If you so much as get a birthday party evite, I'll be right there, ready to schedule it into your social calendar. I'm your present, I'm your future. I watch you poop. I'm not going anywhere, and I'll never run out of random Iranian dudes to help me remind you that I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, because I'm everywhere. Sleep tight.