27 8 / 2013

Oh nothing, just a brony flirting with the corporate twitter account of an ice cream company with a cartoon cow mascot.
Found this during the Twitter rant I went on yesterday. 

Oh nothing, just a brony flirting with the corporate twitter account of an ice cream company with a cartoon cow mascot.

Found this during the Twitter rant I went on yesterday. 

15 8 / 2013

Because obviously Peter Pan is on everyone’s minds all the time so it’s perfectly reasonable to put on the ol’ homemade Captain Hook costume and get photographed with children next to zero boats or beaches.

Nope, nothing weird about it. I think we all have fond memories of putting on our Captain Hook costumes and walking around downtown Chicago by ourselves on a warm summer day.

A very normal thing we can all understand and relate to.

12 8 / 2013

Meanwhile, on the Birds Eye Vegetables Facebook page:

Susan is leaving a comment about green beans for Susan, and the only person who likes it is herself (Susan). What.

What’s happening here? Are we all watching this Facebook admin have a very confusing conversation with herself? Just, what the hell, people. 

Also, I’ve started leaving aggressively stupid comments on Birds Eye’s Facebook posts. Partly because it’s horribly condescending, and partly because my last name is actually Birdseye and I wonder if people will think I’m somehow affiliated with the company. (Of course, I’m not, but my great grandfather did found the company.)

08 4 / 2013

There’s this convenience store down an unassuming hallway in the Thompson Center downtown, and strung across the entrance in red letters is the phrase, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVERYONE!” This cracks me up every time I walk by it.
What is this guy trying to say? Have a great day, everyone? Or is he shooting for that “even a stuck clock is right twice a day” thing, but with a calendar? “One day I’ll catch a lady on her birthday, and then it’s like, boom! Slam dunk. She’ll think, ‘How did he know???’ and I’ll shoot her this confident nod and then sell her cigarettes or whatever. Here are your cigarettes, Future Wife.”
This made me realize that I rarely see “happy birthday” messages for groups of people. Maybe your work buys a cake for all the January birthdays in January, but even then, that’s a short list, and there’s some logic to it. (Logically, there are too many of you for the company to care about individually.) But happy birthday EVERYONE? That almost sounds mean-spirited. “Fucking whatever. Happy birthday everyone. Who cares. Everything is bullshit. I hope your cake is made of poison shit.”
But this sign looks so amateurish, so naive that it’s probably the work of some clerk with good intentions and a poor grasp of English and I’ll be damned if that isn’t just adorable.

There’s this convenience store down an unassuming hallway in the Thompson Center downtown, and strung across the entrance in red letters is the phrase, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVERYONE!” This cracks me up every time I walk by it.

What is this guy trying to say? Have a great day, everyone? Or is he shooting for that “even a stuck clock is right twice a day” thing, but with a calendar? “One day I’ll catch a lady on her birthday, and then it’s like, boom! Slam dunk. She’ll think, ‘How did he know???’ and I’ll shoot her this confident nod and then sell her cigarettes or whatever. Here are your cigarettes, Future Wife.”

This made me realize that I rarely see “happy birthday” messages for groups of people. Maybe your work buys a cake for all the January birthdays in January, but even then, that’s a short list, and there’s some logic to it. (Logically, there are too many of you for the company to care about individually.) But happy birthday EVERYONE? That almost sounds mean-spirited. “Fucking whatever. Happy birthday everyone. Who cares. Everything is bullshit. I hope your cake is made of poison shit.”

But this sign looks so amateurish, so naive that it’s probably the work of some clerk with good intentions and a poor grasp of English and I’ll be damned if that isn’t just adorable.

25 1 / 2013

"I think teenagers are googling “I hate my mom” and ending up on our page. And then, in their rush to blurt out whatever angry thought is on their mind, they’re just jumping to the comment section and dumping their rage there."

Slacktory: The comments section for our “30 Teenagers Saying ‘I Hate My Mom’ on Facebook” has become an angry teenager mom-hate lounge

Nick pointed out to me that we were getting weird comments on an old post, so I wrote this up to try and explain what’s going on. It’s an odd phenomenon and I still don’t fully understand it, but I think this makes for an interesting read.

(via nickdouglas)

24 1 / 2013

"Welcome back to reddit Ali! Don’t let the creeps and misogynists scare you off, some of them just don’t know how to talk to women without making them uncomfortable, most guys here are pretty normal. I would pay 5 thousand dollars for you to take a shit on me."

Redditor flolllly welcoming actress Ali Larter back to Reddit.

[context]

14 1 / 2013

Today I learned that the Trix Rabbit has been endlessly pursuing Trix since the late 1950s. That’s insane.

What’s even more messed up is that General Mills admits they let him have Trix, but only twice:

Foiled repeatedly since 1957 by being told,“Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids,” the Trix Rabbit eventually tasted Trix in 1976 and 1980 following box-top voting campaigns.

Have children EVER thought the Trix Rabbit didn’t deserve to eat breakfast cereal? It’s like General Mills is saying, “Hey kids, we kept Trix away from this rabbit! You’re welcome!” and kids are like “Dude, what the fuck? We don’t care.”

Kids voted for him to have the cereal twice before I was even born. And come to think of it, they pulled that same type of write-in campaign bullshit with me when I was a kid. From what I remember, the Trix Rabbit won a race, and the winner got a box of cereal(!). The Trix Rabbit won, and then some asshole kid in the commercial was like, “Wait a minute, rabbits can’t win a race and get cereal! What do you think, kids?” And then the kids voted for one of two options (and I’m paraphrasing here): “Don’t give him the cereal” and “Just give him the fucking cereal already, Jesus Christ what the fuck.”

Then of course the kids voted to let him have the goddamn Trix, because what type of monsters would delight in watching a rabbit suffer for decades? General Mills made a commercial to announce the results. It showed the Trix Rabbit getting the trophy but not the Trix (the kids in the commercial stole it), and then the commercial ended with the Trix Rabbit sobbing with a gun barrel in his mouth? I could be wrong; my memory’s fuzzy. Maybe they didn’t let him keep the trophy, I don’t remember.

The most messed up thing is that he’s the TRIX RABBIT. He’s named after the very thing he’s forbidden from having. Like if my Uncle Steve got through AA and stayed sober, we wouldn’t keep calling him The Whiskey Uncle because he can’t drink whiskey anymore.

03 4 / 2012

slacktory:

A Message From the Guy Who Won the Lottery and Wants to Share His Money With Everyone on Facebook by Henry Birdseye
I just want to change the world with this money. I could donate it to a charity, but what is a charity, really? A bunch of strangers who give your money to even more strangers? No thank you! I only deal with first-degree strangers!

Have any of you see the Facebook meme about the lottery winner that’s been going around for the last 2 days? Basically it’s a grainy webcam photo of a bearded white guy holding a winning Mega Millions ticket. The caption reads, “This dude actually won and hes planin on splittin a little with anyone who shares his update sooo im sharing.” It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It’s also been shared tens of thousands of times.
So, last night I took a crappy webcam photo of myself holding a blank check, then photoshopped some fake information onto it, and wrote the above post about a lottery winner who wants to share his money with total strangers. It’s all deliberately absurd. I talk about flying to people’s houses on a jet, and I brag about owning a laser printer. The zeros on the check run onto my hand, and the check itself is signed by Barack Obama.
And people still aren’t getting it.
Which is fine, I guess? There’s something sweet about people wanting all of this stuff to be real. It reminds me of little kids believing in Santa, only this time it’s grown adults, and Santa is a sneaky jpeg. Either way, both parties should be able to verify whether it’s a hoax or not. (Hey CHILDREN, it’s called GOOGLE. ASKJEEVES IT.)
Anyway, I’ve made a public Facebook post on Slacktory that’s very similar to the original hoax photo. You can share it if you want, ideally with a caption like “oh man i hope its true!!!” Consider it an experiment: Will your friends get the joke, or will they pass it along without realizing the check’s memo says, “Won real lottery”?

slacktory:

A Message From the Guy Who Won the Lottery and Wants to Share His Money With Everyone on Facebook by Henry Birdseye

I just want to change the world with this money. I could donate it to a charity, but what is a charity, really? A bunch of strangers who give your money to even more strangers? No thank you! I only deal with first-degree strangers!

Have any of you see the Facebook meme about the lottery winner that’s been going around for the last 2 days? Basically it’s a grainy webcam photo of a bearded white guy holding a winning Mega Millions ticket. The caption reads, “This dude actually won and hes planin on splittin a little with anyone who shares his update sooo im sharing.” It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It’s also been shared tens of thousands of times.

So, last night I took a crappy webcam photo of myself holding a blank check, then photoshopped some fake information onto it, and wrote the above post about a lottery winner who wants to share his money with total strangers. It’s all deliberately absurd. I talk about flying to people’s houses on a jet, and I brag about owning a laser printer. The zeros on the check run onto my hand, and the check itself is signed by Barack Obama.

And people still aren’t getting it.

Which is fine, I guess? There’s something sweet about people wanting all of this stuff to be real. It reminds me of little kids believing in Santa, only this time it’s grown adults, and Santa is a sneaky jpeg. Either way, both parties should be able to verify whether it’s a hoax or not. (Hey CHILDREN, it’s called GOOGLE. ASKJEEVES IT.)

Anyway, I’ve made a public Facebook post on Slacktory that’s very similar to the original hoax photo. You can share it if you want, ideally with a caption like “oh man i hope its true!!!” Consider it an experiment: Will your friends get the joke, or will they pass it along without realizing the check’s memo says, “Won real lottery”?